I-94...between St. Paul and Minneapolis. A road that I have traveled-many, many times. But, yesterday we went to the holiday display at Macys and the Holidazzle parade. Which meant that we took that road. It was the first time that I had traveled that way since my boys have been home. And, I can't lie, once that realization kicked in I became slightly teary-eyed. And it took me back. The babes have been home for six weeks, which really isn't that long, but our time at Minneapolis Childrens seems like a lifetime ago. We ended up in Minneapolis because my doctors work out of Abbott, not United. We never would have choose to go to Minneapolis. We are St. Paulites....yes that is a phrase....we had planned on being at United or Regions, but I truly believe that fate brought us over there. And so when we were offered the chance to transfer the babies over to St. Paul Childrens we politely (but fiercely) declined. Minneapolis was our hospital, you don't walk away from the people who have known your babies for their short, event-filled lives unless you have to. We kept them there because we knew that was what was best for them. But, that doesn't mean that I didn't grow to hate that stretch of highway between the two cities. Now, I realize hate is a strong word-I choose it purposefully. Because, I hated driving there and back. I was almost always alone. And always driving away from people I love and wanted to be with. And driving was a necessity but I just wanted to get to my destination. Whether I was driving to the hospital or going home...I just wanted to be there. And since I was almost always alone it left me to be in my own brain. Whew.....scary shit happens in there. And I almost always cried. Maybe just a few tears or a full-blown sob fest. But, I cried. I cried every time I left the parking lot of the hospital. I cried because time slowed down and I could think about what was behind us or I could think about what was in front of us. I cried for my babies, for me, my kids, Joe.......it sucked.
I always hoped that I would have one of those wonderful, soul-cleansing cries-for me they used to always happen in the shower. A boy dumped me....cry it out in the shower and move on. Fail a test.....cry it out and get over it. But, this was so different. There was no moving on or getting over it. I couldn't completely lose my mind. I had to stay pulled together and clear-headed. There were too many things to worry about, monitor, take care of . But, in the car I had nothing else to do. I don't text, I try not to talk on the phone. All I could do is drive and listen to music....and think. It was in those rare moments when my brain went to the place I had mostly forbidden to go. The bad, what-ifs place. The place where I stored all my worries and concerns and over-reactions.
But, I didn't just cry about sad, bad things. I cried many tears of joy down that road. Tears of joy that I was simply able to drive to my babies. Joy that I would be able to touch them, hold them when I got there. Because as bad as it was for us....there were so many facing much worse. Tears of relief when they would hit a milestone or pass a test. There is a song "Good Life" by One Republic, that became my anthem. Were we in a hard situation? Absolutely. But, there was so much good to be recognized. My boys were there, they survived, they were progressing...slowly, but steadily. I was lucky enough to have option of being there every day. I have a husband who supported me in every possible way he was capable of. I have an employer who wants me back, but when I was mentally and emotionally and physically ready to be back, not because a certain amount of time had passed. I had a vehicle to drive there. We had money to park and eat and all the other odd things that come up in that type of situation. We had great childcare and an endless list of people willing to take the girls...just to help. We have a huge network of family and friends who loved and supported us. I mean it literally makes me ache a little bit when I think of all the love that I felt, all the prayers, all the good thoughts that came our way through this. I met alot of people who didn't have half that list. Who didn't drive or have a car. People who didn't have family or friends. Moms who had to go back to work before they were ready. Babies who didn't have any family around them. All I had to do was focus on my little men. That is called being blessed.
I don't think that I will ever be able to drive down 94 and not get emotional. I know that as time passes the emotions will dull. But, they will always be there- as a reminder of the good life I have and just how wonderfully lucky I am to live the life I have.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Despicable Me
Yet another reference to kiddo TV. But, it is how I how felt over these last few months. Now that my boys are home I don't have any time to do anything except be a mommy to all 4 of my wonderful, beautiful, yet energy-draining children:) But, that wasn't always the truth. When the boys were in the hospital I had a lot of time to just sit. Sit and watch babies sleep and grow. Sitting wasn't good for me. I needed to be busy. Because when I was sitting I was thinking, thinking about this whole situation. Thinking about the bad, the good, the crazy and the wonderful. Trust me when I say that this situation has not be only bad or horrible or sad. We were very lucky, very blessed. And it makes me feel horrible to even have emotions other than happiness when I would see parents and kids going through so much worse every day I was at Childrens.
But, in the dark, hidden places in my brain and heart I feel guilt. I feel responsible. I feel horrible. I take my job as a mommy very seriously. Some of you may know that Joe and I have had to use fertility help to have each and every child we have been blessed with. So, they were all conscious decisions. And from the moment we decided to be pregnant I was in mommy mode. And the first all-important job of a mommy (in my mind anyways) is to provide my babies with a great nine months of being in my belly. And I failed my precious boys in the very first job as a mommy to them. There I said it. I failed as their mommy. And because of my failure they had to endure so, so, so much. And there was nothing I could do. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't help them. And they had to go through it so they could survive and get a chance at life. Because I couldn't bake my bundles of joy long enough they had to go through intubation, IV insertions, lab sticks, tubes down their noses, down their mouths. They had to be handled by hundreds of random strangers. They went to bed in a strange place without their family by their side. So, my thoughts went like this..."If only I had kept them in me longer they wouldn't have to go through NG tubes. If only they wouldn't have to have random strangers calm them down. If only they could be sleeping at home."
The fact is that I couldn't have stayed pregnant any longer. Not if I wanted to be here right now, able-bodied and somewhat healthy. Because the truth is I was closer to death then I care to admit. I was closer to doing permanent damage to my body that could have been life-altering. I get that, I get it more and more as time elapses. To give my babies their mommy I had to give up my control over life-mine and theirs. I know this, but I don't like it. And my brain understands that I shouldn't have guilt, that I did everything I possibly could to keep them healthy for as long as I could. My heart, well she's a different story. I don't think that there is anything, ever that will make it change how she feels. As time passes and the boys, God-willing, continue to grow and prosper, the guilt will get less, won't be so prevalent. But, it will always be there. And it will sneak up on me at random moments. Like today when my lil men had to have two nurses come out the the house and give them the first of five shots to prevent RSV this winter. Something we have to do, something that I would never even consider not doing, but something that is only being done because they were born so damn early. And there is that guilt again.
But, in the dark, hidden places in my brain and heart I feel guilt. I feel responsible. I feel horrible. I take my job as a mommy very seriously. Some of you may know that Joe and I have had to use fertility help to have each and every child we have been blessed with. So, they were all conscious decisions. And from the moment we decided to be pregnant I was in mommy mode. And the first all-important job of a mommy (in my mind anyways) is to provide my babies with a great nine months of being in my belly. And I failed my precious boys in the very first job as a mommy to them. There I said it. I failed as their mommy. And because of my failure they had to endure so, so, so much. And there was nothing I could do. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't help them. And they had to go through it so they could survive and get a chance at life. Because I couldn't bake my bundles of joy long enough they had to go through intubation, IV insertions, lab sticks, tubes down their noses, down their mouths. They had to be handled by hundreds of random strangers. They went to bed in a strange place without their family by their side. So, my thoughts went like this..."If only I had kept them in me longer they wouldn't have to go through NG tubes. If only they wouldn't have to have random strangers calm them down. If only they could be sleeping at home."
The fact is that I couldn't have stayed pregnant any longer. Not if I wanted to be here right now, able-bodied and somewhat healthy. Because the truth is I was closer to death then I care to admit. I was closer to doing permanent damage to my body that could have been life-altering. I get that, I get it more and more as time elapses. To give my babies their mommy I had to give up my control over life-mine and theirs. I know this, but I don't like it. And my brain understands that I shouldn't have guilt, that I did everything I possibly could to keep them healthy for as long as I could. My heart, well she's a different story. I don't think that there is anything, ever that will make it change how she feels. As time passes and the boys, God-willing, continue to grow and prosper, the guilt will get less, won't be so prevalent. But, it will always be there. And it will sneak up on me at random moments. Like today when my lil men had to have two nurses come out the the house and give them the first of five shots to prevent RSV this winter. Something we have to do, something that I would never even consider not doing, but something that is only being done because they were born so damn early. And there is that guilt again.
An Attitude of Gratitude
*****I want to start off this blog by saying that this was written back when the boys were still hospitalized. I had every intention of finishing it. And actually, today was going to re-start it, but I didn't want to lose what I had already done. I didn't want to erase these emotions and thoughts. So, I am publishing it un-finished. Because I need these words out there and out of my head. I have a feeling there may be a part II to this, but for now here it is. Now, I can go forward with other blogs that are half finished or floating in my head.
If you are a Spongebob fan then you may recognize my title. And I realize that Spongebob has taken a hit in the media recently, but unless you've watched him then don't knock him!:) He actually has a great attitude about life and work and being happy. But, this phrase has popped in my head numerous times over these last few months...since being hospitalized and having the babies. I have said this many times, but I have to say it again-I have been humbled and overwhelmed by the love, support and caring that we received in our moments of crises. From our closest friends and families to random strangers.
I remember a moment when I was hospitalized but still pregnant. I think it was the second day I was there. I was on bedrest, being given Magnesium to stop the contractions and help the boys' neurological development, and I was completely exhausted. Looking back on it all, I think my body had hit it's breaking point. Joe was sitting next to me, I could barely keep my eyes open to look at him. I kept insisting that he go home, he didn't have to sit there and stare at me while I slept and that was all i was going to do. That was all I had done since being admitted to the hospital. I felt horrible-my head was throbbing, I was burning up and couldn't eat. He finally relented and agreed that he would go home and try to get some stuff done and then get some sleep. I asked him if before he left he could bring me stuff to brush my teeth. As I tried to sit up in bed, I couldn't. I could not muster up the strength to sit up. Even with my strong husband trying to help me I couldn't do it. I couldn't support myself sitting up. So, we used the bed to sit me up, kind of, so I could brush my teeth. Joe finished helping me and then actually went home for the night. And I laid there. All alone, in a room only lit up by the continuous baby monitor lights and cried. How had I gotten to the point where I couldn't sit up? How had I gotten so sick? I was terrified. What if this was just a sign of things to come? I pride myself on being active and busy. What if that part of me was gone? And I thought "wow, I am never going to take THAT for granted"....just the ability to sit up. Such a simple activity, a task we complete without even considering it, it's so ingrained in how our bodies function. And moments like that have kept happening.
How could I not be grateful? I gave birth to my beautiful boys at 29 weeks pregnant. And they are here. I get to visit them every day, to hold them and love them. We have been surrounded by a whole gangle of people who are doing nothing but loving us and supporting us. Our family-Joe's mom, my parents and siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandma and grandpa-such a great group of people who have remained steadfast in their support of us. What a huge proverbial rock we have to lean on. And lean we have had to. This has been an experience that requires us to ask for help, something that we both hate to do. Then there is everyone at the hospital. Our temporary home away from home. People there do an incredible job everyday. Not only taking care of our boys, but also us.
If you are a Spongebob fan then you may recognize my title. And I realize that Spongebob has taken a hit in the media recently, but unless you've watched him then don't knock him!:) He actually has a great attitude about life and work and being happy. But, this phrase has popped in my head numerous times over these last few months...since being hospitalized and having the babies. I have said this many times, but I have to say it again-I have been humbled and overwhelmed by the love, support and caring that we received in our moments of crises. From our closest friends and families to random strangers.
I remember a moment when I was hospitalized but still pregnant. I think it was the second day I was there. I was on bedrest, being given Magnesium to stop the contractions and help the boys' neurological development, and I was completely exhausted. Looking back on it all, I think my body had hit it's breaking point. Joe was sitting next to me, I could barely keep my eyes open to look at him. I kept insisting that he go home, he didn't have to sit there and stare at me while I slept and that was all i was going to do. That was all I had done since being admitted to the hospital. I felt horrible-my head was throbbing, I was burning up and couldn't eat. He finally relented and agreed that he would go home and try to get some stuff done and then get some sleep. I asked him if before he left he could bring me stuff to brush my teeth. As I tried to sit up in bed, I couldn't. I could not muster up the strength to sit up. Even with my strong husband trying to help me I couldn't do it. I couldn't support myself sitting up. So, we used the bed to sit me up, kind of, so I could brush my teeth. Joe finished helping me and then actually went home for the night. And I laid there. All alone, in a room only lit up by the continuous baby monitor lights and cried. How had I gotten to the point where I couldn't sit up? How had I gotten so sick? I was terrified. What if this was just a sign of things to come? I pride myself on being active and busy. What if that part of me was gone? And I thought "wow, I am never going to take THAT for granted"....just the ability to sit up. Such a simple activity, a task we complete without even considering it, it's so ingrained in how our bodies function. And moments like that have kept happening.
How could I not be grateful? I gave birth to my beautiful boys at 29 weeks pregnant. And they are here. I get to visit them every day, to hold them and love them. We have been surrounded by a whole gangle of people who are doing nothing but loving us and supporting us. Our family-Joe's mom, my parents and siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandma and grandpa-such a great group of people who have remained steadfast in their support of us. What a huge proverbial rock we have to lean on. And lean we have had to. This has been an experience that requires us to ask for help, something that we both hate to do. Then there is everyone at the hospital. Our temporary home away from home. People there do an incredible job everyday. Not only taking care of our boys, but also us.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Puh-lease!
I don't know about everyone else out there but there are a few things that are going on in our state and country that I am SOOOO sick of hearing about. Now, I will always be sick to my stomach when there are stories about child abuse and murders and drunk drivers and whatnot. But, that is not what I am talking about today. While those things are horrible, unfortunately since we are a free country people are probably always going to think that they have a right to make bad decisions. Plus, I feel so strongly about child abuse and drunk drivers that if I decided to blog about those topics today I would totally get off of my subject at hand. So, here it goes....
First-I really, really, really I mean really don't want to hear about the NFL and their trade negoitations anymore. And while we're talking about it I don't care about the NBA either. Unfortunately I probably hear more than the average person because of my husband's obsession with ESPN and Sports Center. It is SO frustrating to hear a bunch of grown men (and a few women, I am sure) whine and complain about how they are going to divide up billions of dollars. I actually hope that they don't sign the agreement that is front of them right now. Make them feel some pain from this stupid, asinine argument they are having. Because the fact is, they SHOULDN'T have billions of dollars to divide up. They play a sport. A child's game. And make obscene amounts of money to do so. And yet have some of the worst behavior in our society. Their franchises contain murderers, women and children abusers, repeat drug offenders, animal killers, drunk drivers, illegal gun carriers. And what does our society do? We reward this above the law behavior with more money and clout. And the NBA players? Kobe Bryant refused a $500,000 a month contract because he is worth a minimum of one million dollars a month. $500,000 A MONTH!?????? He refused that? Something is wrong with our world if a man refuses that much money to play a game. Get over yourself. (For full disclosure I really don't care for him as a person-pretty sure he is a rapist that got away with it my smearing his victim, at the very least he is a cheater). So, to all these so-called grown-ups I say SHUT UP! I don't want to hear anymore about it. If they sign a deal, okay, I guess it should be reported on in the news, but give it the attention it deserves-a 30 second spiel and move on to MUCH MORE important things.
Now, onto our fabulous, wonderful political system. WTF! Seriously, people. This is how our country is ran? These are the people we vote for? Do they really, seriously believe that when the citizens of this country went out and voted that we were hoping for this kind of behavior? All I have heard about in these last few months is how the Democrats and Republicans have been fighting and arguing about budgets and money and taxes and debt ceilings. Blah. My personal opinion on the whole Minnesota budget is that while I don't object to raising taxes on the richest people in this state, I don't believe that we should do so just to generate new income. We spend too much money as it is as a government. I think that was evident when the state shut down and we actually saw how many different programs and businesses depend on the government. Now, some of those businesses were at the mercy of the government because of licensing and other issues along those lines. But, I truly believe that a smaller government is better. And the fact is that we give away a lot of money all the time to people and businesses who don't need it. Who could be taking care of themselves but choose, CHOOSE not to. For some reason we reward people who make poor and bad decisions in their lives. But, I am seriously not going to go there in this post. And why is it that this politicians continued to get paid for their inactivity? In any other job, if the work didn't get done you would be fired and not paid. But, not when you work at the capital. Such a joke. And as for the national debt ceiling and budget debate....I have purposefully tried to not listen to much of this simply because it is so frustrating to even think about. My take-away from this is-it's very similar to an individual who has a credit card. They call the credit card company and ask for a credit limit increase based on the fact that if they don't get more money they won't be able to continue to pay their bills. And people in this country and around the world wonder why Americans deal with money and finances in the way that they do. Spend money we don't have, expect it to always work out for the best-not plan for the worst and live for today not the future. Well, duh! Look at how our government is ran? What other behavior would you expect? It's very similar to parenting. You tell and preach to your kids to not hit, but then they see dad smack mom and they think it's okay-based on the behavior. I think that we need to do away with these stupid politician parties. That way there are no "political lines" to adhere to or not to cross.
I really need to stop watching so much darn TV, it can not be helping my poor blood pressure!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Preggo Obsessions
I don't know if it's just me, but when I am pregnant I get obsessed with certain....things, products, items. I think it has to do with the fact that I get so limited in the things I can do that I look for comfort in new and different ways. I wonder if other mommies-to-be do this......
Here is just a sampling of the things I am in love with
1. Bath and Body Works-As I started to make my list this darn store came up numerous times:) So I am just going to combine it all into one. I love, love, love their lotions. Now, I should probably be using some special no stretch mark lotion that you apply 5 times a day, but I think I am in denial about how bad those darn things are going to get. So, I just use my delicious lotions. Oh, they are soooo yummy. Plus they also go along with one of my other favorites-their shower cream. Now, their shower gel is good too, but the cream-you feel like you just bathed in lotion. In every single pregnancy I have had, I have dealt with skin issues. To start with I have really sensitive skin, it goes over the top when I am with baby. So, it is always great when I find something that helps keep me moisturized. They also have the most wonderful shampoo and conditioners. Now, if they could only make a whole line in the same scent.....then I would be in heaven. One more thing I am in love with? Their wallflowers. This entire pregnancy I have been super sensitive to smells. So, their wallflowers have really saved me!!! And they smell AMAZING! Try them! (I should send this darn blog to Bath and Body Works-see if I can't get some free stuff!!:))
2. Nightgowns-Honestly, if I could wear these things every day, all day long....well I would. But, running to Cub in a nightgown, it may be frowned on. And if I dropped the girls off at school in my nightgown....their teachers may sit me down and check me over before they let me leave. But, oh my gosh, what a wonderful creation. No waist band on my belly, they keep me cool, and I can get comfortable way faster in one of those versus shorts.
3. My bellyband-I am calling it a belly band, like the ones they sell in Motherhood Maternity. But, its not. My physical therapist gave it to me. It actually kind of looks like a torture device. There are metal loops on each side-that dig into my hips. And pieces of velcro that are always getting caught on me and my undies and my clothes. But, I seriously don't know what I would do without that darn thing. I keep it on my bench at the end of my bed, so I can put it on immediately upon waking up. Otherwise, I swear to god, these boys are trying to fall right out of me. That's right-I said they want to fall out of me. And that is a medical problem. I know this for sure because I am a nurse, so don't you question me:)
4. V-8 Fusion. Seriously, you have to try this stuff! It is a juice made by V-8 that has servings of fruits and veggies in one glass. And it is really, really delicious. I started obsessing over this stuff when I was first pregnant and was having problems keeping food down. I started drinking this stuff every day to try and get as any good vitamins and minerals into my body as possible in the little bit of food I was able to keep down.
5. TUMS-Can you say heartburn? Ugh. The one downside to my "belly band" is that it pushes everything up, including my actual stomach. So, heartburn and I have been battling for about a month now. Thank the stars for tums. I really don't know what I would do without them. And just for note, they have to be the real deal tums. No going generic in this category. I am always buying generic, don't get me wrong-but not here. They are not the same. Trust me.
6. Air Conditioning-Joe can attest to this. He tells everyone the one good thing about me being preggo is that he can keep the house as cold as he would like and I don't complain. If I am not pregnant, I am constantly turning it up on him. I want to be able to wear shorts and dresses and not get goose bumps. But, when I am pregnant I am constantly hot and uncomfortable. As a kid we lived in a 2nd story duplex with no air. We lived at the neighborhood pool because of this. But, also I can take the heat. Not, when I am pregnant though. Crank that stuff up. Point the vents on me. And get out of my way.
Now, there are few of my favorites that I have mentioned before-shutterfly, bejeweled, cragislist.....all things that I need to use/view in a day to feel complete:) But, there it is-some of the wonderful things that I have used to bring pleasure into my life. I am hoping that by the end of this weekend I will have pictures of the completed nursery that I can post for you.....this is another one of the things that I am in love with! Now, only if I can talk Joe into hanging up the pictures!
Here is just a sampling of the things I am in love with
1. Bath and Body Works-As I started to make my list this darn store came up numerous times:) So I am just going to combine it all into one. I love, love, love their lotions. Now, I should probably be using some special no stretch mark lotion that you apply 5 times a day, but I think I am in denial about how bad those darn things are going to get. So, I just use my delicious lotions. Oh, they are soooo yummy. Plus they also go along with one of my other favorites-their shower cream. Now, their shower gel is good too, but the cream-you feel like you just bathed in lotion. In every single pregnancy I have had, I have dealt with skin issues. To start with I have really sensitive skin, it goes over the top when I am with baby. So, it is always great when I find something that helps keep me moisturized. They also have the most wonderful shampoo and conditioners. Now, if they could only make a whole line in the same scent.....then I would be in heaven. One more thing I am in love with? Their wallflowers. This entire pregnancy I have been super sensitive to smells. So, their wallflowers have really saved me!!! And they smell AMAZING! Try them! (I should send this darn blog to Bath and Body Works-see if I can't get some free stuff!!:))
2. Nightgowns-Honestly, if I could wear these things every day, all day long....well I would. But, running to Cub in a nightgown, it may be frowned on. And if I dropped the girls off at school in my nightgown....their teachers may sit me down and check me over before they let me leave. But, oh my gosh, what a wonderful creation. No waist band on my belly, they keep me cool, and I can get comfortable way faster in one of those versus shorts.
3. My bellyband-I am calling it a belly band, like the ones they sell in Motherhood Maternity. But, its not. My physical therapist gave it to me. It actually kind of looks like a torture device. There are metal loops on each side-that dig into my hips. And pieces of velcro that are always getting caught on me and my undies and my clothes. But, I seriously don't know what I would do without that darn thing. I keep it on my bench at the end of my bed, so I can put it on immediately upon waking up. Otherwise, I swear to god, these boys are trying to fall right out of me. That's right-I said they want to fall out of me. And that is a medical problem. I know this for sure because I am a nurse, so don't you question me:)
4. V-8 Fusion. Seriously, you have to try this stuff! It is a juice made by V-8 that has servings of fruits and veggies in one glass. And it is really, really delicious. I started obsessing over this stuff when I was first pregnant and was having problems keeping food down. I started drinking this stuff every day to try and get as any good vitamins and minerals into my body as possible in the little bit of food I was able to keep down.
5. TUMS-Can you say heartburn? Ugh. The one downside to my "belly band" is that it pushes everything up, including my actual stomach. So, heartburn and I have been battling for about a month now. Thank the stars for tums. I really don't know what I would do without them. And just for note, they have to be the real deal tums. No going generic in this category. I am always buying generic, don't get me wrong-but not here. They are not the same. Trust me.
6. Air Conditioning-Joe can attest to this. He tells everyone the one good thing about me being preggo is that he can keep the house as cold as he would like and I don't complain. If I am not pregnant, I am constantly turning it up on him. I want to be able to wear shorts and dresses and not get goose bumps. But, when I am pregnant I am constantly hot and uncomfortable. As a kid we lived in a 2nd story duplex with no air. We lived at the neighborhood pool because of this. But, also I can take the heat. Not, when I am pregnant though. Crank that stuff up. Point the vents on me. And get out of my way.
Now, there are few of my favorites that I have mentioned before-shutterfly, bejeweled, cragislist.....all things that I need to use/view in a day to feel complete:) But, there it is-some of the wonderful things that I have used to bring pleasure into my life. I am hoping that by the end of this weekend I will have pictures of the completed nursery that I can post for you.....this is another one of the things that I am in love with! Now, only if I can talk Joe into hanging up the pictures!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Viability
Viability.....it's such a technical word. A word that I appreciate but also kind of despise at this point. When you first get pregnant you worry so much that the baby is going to be okay. Then you get to hear the heartbeat, or in this case heartbeats and your worries start to change to different things. Like, buying car seats and finding decent childcare. For the last few months though one of my biggest concerns has been that all of my suffering to keep my boys healthy would be all for not. That something would happen-either my doctors would say they need to deliver the babies to keep me healthy or my body would decide it is time for them to come into this world. I have had friends who have suffered miscarriages and stillbirths, I always understood their pain. I never fully understood their fear if there was a next time around. I do now. It's horrible, completely, overwhelmingly horrible. You feel so helpless. Because you are. There is nothing more I could do to keep them safe inside of me. I can only have faith that all of the hardships that have come our way these last few months is going to end with the birth of two beautiful, healthy baby boys.
But, my baby boys are viable. They have reached the point that they could survive outside of my body if that (god forbid) needed to happen. It is still a could, at 24 weeks babies have a 90% chance of survival. And that would be with intense, constant medical intervention. Interventions that could actually cause more problems, but would/could keep them alive. It would mean months and months in the hospital. People keep telling me that time is flying by. No is it not. It is creeping by, it has come down to getting through each day. By the end of the day I am so exhausted and tired and in so much pain and ready to sleep. I am so worried that the next day is going to be a continuation of this day. Luckily, sleeping helps bring on a new day! When I reach Sunday of each week a little bit more weight comes off my shoulders. I am one week closer to my boys being able to have a good start to their lives.
And that's another worry. What is the start of their lives going to be like? I have been blessed with my two beautiful girls. Both of their births were great and I was able to have it go the way I wanted it to. Now, I am not a fool. I work with oodles of women and have lots of mommy friends, so I have heard hundreds of birth stories. I know that things don't always go as planned. This is not a situation where rigidity or stubbornness is going to help, you have to be flexible for yourself and your baby. But, with the girls things did go pretty much as planned. I was able to go drug-free. Labor was fairly short, pushing even shorter. I was able to hold them immediately after birth and attempt breast-feeding before they went off to the nursery. Joey was able to be with them and hold their little hands and speak softly to them to help them feel okay after such a crazy event. I want the same for my boys. I want the first touch they feel to be me. The first voice they hear to be mine. I want them to sleep next to me while we recover and adjust to our new lives together. I REALLY, REALLY don't want them to be so little that they can't stand the stimulation of me touching them and marveling in the wonders that I helped create. I don't want their lives to start off in some cold, medical nursery. I want them home, surrounded by love and noise and the craziness that is our lives. I don't want to have to visit them and split my time between two worlds. Between by kids. I don't want to miss my girls because I have to be somewhere else with my boys. I don't want to "visit" my own kids in the hospital. I want Grace and Megan to be able to hold them when they are born, not be forbidden from them because they are too young to visit the NICU. And the truth is, until the time comes we won't know what the beginning of their lives will be.
I hate the unknown...........
But, my baby boys are viable. They have reached the point that they could survive outside of my body if that (god forbid) needed to happen. It is still a could, at 24 weeks babies have a 90% chance of survival. And that would be with intense, constant medical intervention. Interventions that could actually cause more problems, but would/could keep them alive. It would mean months and months in the hospital. People keep telling me that time is flying by. No is it not. It is creeping by, it has come down to getting through each day. By the end of the day I am so exhausted and tired and in so much pain and ready to sleep. I am so worried that the next day is going to be a continuation of this day. Luckily, sleeping helps bring on a new day! When I reach Sunday of each week a little bit more weight comes off my shoulders. I am one week closer to my boys being able to have a good start to their lives.
And that's another worry. What is the start of their lives going to be like? I have been blessed with my two beautiful girls. Both of their births were great and I was able to have it go the way I wanted it to. Now, I am not a fool. I work with oodles of women and have lots of mommy friends, so I have heard hundreds of birth stories. I know that things don't always go as planned. This is not a situation where rigidity or stubbornness is going to help, you have to be flexible for yourself and your baby. But, with the girls things did go pretty much as planned. I was able to go drug-free. Labor was fairly short, pushing even shorter. I was able to hold them immediately after birth and attempt breast-feeding before they went off to the nursery. Joey was able to be with them and hold their little hands and speak softly to them to help them feel okay after such a crazy event. I want the same for my boys. I want the first touch they feel to be me. The first voice they hear to be mine. I want them to sleep next to me while we recover and adjust to our new lives together. I REALLY, REALLY don't want them to be so little that they can't stand the stimulation of me touching them and marveling in the wonders that I helped create. I don't want their lives to start off in some cold, medical nursery. I want them home, surrounded by love and noise and the craziness that is our lives. I don't want to have to visit them and split my time between two worlds. Between by kids. I don't want to miss my girls because I have to be somewhere else with my boys. I don't want to "visit" my own kids in the hospital. I want Grace and Megan to be able to hold them when they are born, not be forbidden from them because they are too young to visit the NICU. And the truth is, until the time comes we won't know what the beginning of their lives will be.
I hate the unknown...........
Friday, July 8, 2011
My two cents, which is actually worth even less than that
I am going to weigh in on this whole Casey Anthony trial and verdict. I have read many an opinion on this trial and what happened, what people think/know and what they don't. The truth is I watched a lot of the trial. Let me preface this by saying this isn't the first trial I have watched on TV. Way back in the day I wanted to be a lawyer and so the judicial process interests me. Usually Court TV (or now True TV....which actually is stupid because most of their shows are staged...don't get me started) covers the big, sensational stories. And they are the ones that suck people....okay, me....in. But, with the change in my working and moving around status, this trial gave me something "to do".
Ok, here's how I see it. Those jurors got it all wrong. But, its not really their fault. It is our system's fault. After the verdict was read I was listening to some "experts" about what went wrong. And there was a guy on there that made a good point. Our judicial system is set-up so that innocent people have a very good shot of staying that way, but in the process guilty people walk away without punishment a good portion of the time. It doesn't help that the idea of "reasonable doubt" has been used by defense lawyers to their and their client's benefits. How did one person put it....it has changed from reasonable doubt to a reason to doubt.
Casey Anthony is guilty of her daughter's death. I don't need someone to lay out exactly what happened step-by-step. And I don't understand why that is needed. She (and other criminals) are rewarded for being a good criminal. They don't leave enough or decent evidence, they walk away unpunished. But, how does a mom live her life for 31 days, one whole month without thinking to say something about her daughter missing. The way I see it, EVEN if things went down the way she and her defense team say they did, she is guilty. That is, if poor Caylee drowned accidentally and then she covered it up....she needs to rot in jail. Her baby deserved better than that. But, I think that most people would agree that is not what happened. Because Casey Anthony is socio-pathic. She lies, lies to protect herself. She only cried during her trial when people on the stand were speaking sympathetically of her and her situation. Not when Caylee was discussed, not when her alleged sexual abuse was brought up, not when every single member of her immediate family was sobbing. Nope, nothing. Actually she could be seen smirking or looking irritated by them. If she was so grief-stricken, why did her team have to put a grief expert on the stand that had NEVER EVEN interviewed her?
Our judicial system isn't set-up to reap justice for the victims of horrible, heinous crimes such as these. Poor Caylee was totally forgotten in most of this. Lawyers agruing over whether jurors should be able to smell the can that held the "death smell" or whether scientists and specialists had marked evidence in correctly. That's what the trial came down to. There was nothing about Caylee in there.
So, a mother who caused her daughter to not be on this earth any more walks free. Again, I don't need someone to do a play-by-play of how she died. But, I have a great belief in common sense and common sense says her mother caused that death. Otherwise her mother would have been out of her mind trying to find her and make sure she was okay. Not lying about a nanny or her job or out getting a tattoo or dancing at night clubs. I can say this with the utmost certainty because I too am a mom. And, the very idea of one of my kids being "taken by the nanny", of not being exactly where they are suppose to be, makes my heart stop and my breath go away. I would be ravaged with pain and guilt and sorrow. My whole life would become focused on them and trying to get them back to me. That's how I know Casey Anthony is guilty.
Ok, here's how I see it. Those jurors got it all wrong. But, its not really their fault. It is our system's fault. After the verdict was read I was listening to some "experts" about what went wrong. And there was a guy on there that made a good point. Our judicial system is set-up so that innocent people have a very good shot of staying that way, but in the process guilty people walk away without punishment a good portion of the time. It doesn't help that the idea of "reasonable doubt" has been used by defense lawyers to their and their client's benefits. How did one person put it....it has changed from reasonable doubt to a reason to doubt.
Casey Anthony is guilty of her daughter's death. I don't need someone to lay out exactly what happened step-by-step. And I don't understand why that is needed. She (and other criminals) are rewarded for being a good criminal. They don't leave enough or decent evidence, they walk away unpunished. But, how does a mom live her life for 31 days, one whole month without thinking to say something about her daughter missing. The way I see it, EVEN if things went down the way she and her defense team say they did, she is guilty. That is, if poor Caylee drowned accidentally and then she covered it up....she needs to rot in jail. Her baby deserved better than that. But, I think that most people would agree that is not what happened. Because Casey Anthony is socio-pathic. She lies, lies to protect herself. She only cried during her trial when people on the stand were speaking sympathetically of her and her situation. Not when Caylee was discussed, not when her alleged sexual abuse was brought up, not when every single member of her immediate family was sobbing. Nope, nothing. Actually she could be seen smirking or looking irritated by them. If she was so grief-stricken, why did her team have to put a grief expert on the stand that had NEVER EVEN interviewed her?
Our judicial system isn't set-up to reap justice for the victims of horrible, heinous crimes such as these. Poor Caylee was totally forgotten in most of this. Lawyers agruing over whether jurors should be able to smell the can that held the "death smell" or whether scientists and specialists had marked evidence in correctly. That's what the trial came down to. There was nothing about Caylee in there.
So, a mother who caused her daughter to not be on this earth any more walks free. Again, I don't need someone to do a play-by-play of how she died. But, I have a great belief in common sense and common sense says her mother caused that death. Otherwise her mother would have been out of her mind trying to find her and make sure she was okay. Not lying about a nanny or her job or out getting a tattoo or dancing at night clubs. I can say this with the utmost certainty because I too am a mom. And, the very idea of one of my kids being "taken by the nanny", of not being exactly where they are suppose to be, makes my heart stop and my breath go away. I would be ravaged with pain and guilt and sorrow. My whole life would become focused on them and trying to get them back to me. That's how I know Casey Anthony is guilty.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Testing Fate
Testing fate....this is a theory or thought that I live by. Meaning don't do it! It's kind of like don't count your eggs til they're hatched. At work don't you dare say the Q word (look, I am so serious about that one that I won't even it say it now). Ask anyone who works a hospital for sure, maybe any time of health care. This is like doomsday. You are almost willing for 6 admits at once or a code or something horrible happening. No joke. I have seen too many free throws missed or a batter strike out just as soon as the announcer proclaims "They have made 100 million free throws in a row" or "They have NEVER struck out against this pitcher". Minnesota announcers are really, really good at that!
I have been having many, many worries floating through my head. Many that I needed to get out in some way or another. I kept writing blogs in my head about these things but was so terrified that I would be testing fate that I couldn't do it. The moment I address those worries out loud, my solutions were going to disappear, I was sure of it. Last night, though I couldn't take it any more. I was so overwhelmed by worry that I had to write it down, but again I couldn't do it in blog form. Because part of my theory is that talking or sharing with others only make it worse. You tell someone something and then all the sudden everything changes-you either look like a liar or have to take back what you have said. I just couldn't do it. But, I wrote. I wrote on my phone (if that makes any sense) at midnight when I couldn't sleep. I put my concerns down and then prayed. Now, where I sit with my religious beliefs is something that I continue to question and have done so since been confirmed back in high school. So, I won't get into all of that here and now. But, at the end of the day I do believe in a Higher Power and having to give up control of life to be at peace. And, especially at this point in my life, I have to give over that control. I am slowly losing more and more control every single day. It's hard to have a say let alone control from the corner spot of the couch! While, getting it out of my head and down in hard copy and praying helped me feel less anxious and worried, it was still there. That pit in my stomach. Ugh, I hate that feeling. The combination of my perfectionism and problems with anxiety make it an all to common problem for me.
So, today when I work up I ran towards my problems and concerns instead of away. One lesson I have learned in my life is that you HAVE to address your problems head-on. They never go away and ignoring them just makes them worse. My two big, main concerns have been finances and my baby boys. I have been out of work since April pretty much with on-going, ever-changing medical problems and poor Joe has been left to take care of us completely financially. While that does work for the most part, we had planned on a couple more months of my income so it did throw me (who does all the bills and money) for a loop. I have short-term disability, but it was taking forever to get my claim processed. I was so sure that it was going to get denied for one reason or another. The more time that passed the more sure I was of that denial. But, today I called them again. Addressed it head-on and had a very productive conversation with my claims manager. We went over what was still needed and I put that stuff on my list of things to do on Tuesday, as it information from my employer they were waiting for and the HR manager she needed to get a hold of is out of the office til then. But, then the sun shined down on me. My claims manager called back and said she was worried that I had been out of work so long with no pay and was going to take my word about my last day of work and cut me a check for nine weeks of back disability pay. I couldn't help it, the damn hormones kicked in. I hung up the phone and cried. We were driving downtown and the girls became concerned "Mama, are you ok? Do you have heartburn again":) So, we had a talk about happy tears and how sometimes you are just so happy (and relieved) that you can cry. I am still blaming the pregnancy hormones. I also spoke with my manager and while there isn't much they can do with the restrictions my doctor has placed on me, she didn't fire me on the spot or threaten me or make me feel guilty about not being there. (If you can't tell, this was another big concern of mine). Being out of work for 9-10 months due to being pregnant and having babies is alot and I was very worried that they wouldn't want to, I don't know, keep me around for a lack of better wording. But, she was very sweet and concerned about all of our health. Two HUGE concerns lifted off my shoulders.
Now, like I said, another concern I have is the boys. And since my theory of not testing fate is going so well for me as of late, I WILL NOT be addressing these concerns until I reach 24 weeks-which is tomorrow. 24 weeks is the earliest that they start to consider fetuses viable (I hate that term, but it is what it is). So, this weekend I will get all those concerns out of my head and heart, until then I feel pretty good about holding on to them. Why mess up a good thing?!?
I have been having many, many worries floating through my head. Many that I needed to get out in some way or another. I kept writing blogs in my head about these things but was so terrified that I would be testing fate that I couldn't do it. The moment I address those worries out loud, my solutions were going to disappear, I was sure of it. Last night, though I couldn't take it any more. I was so overwhelmed by worry that I had to write it down, but again I couldn't do it in blog form. Because part of my theory is that talking or sharing with others only make it worse. You tell someone something and then all the sudden everything changes-you either look like a liar or have to take back what you have said. I just couldn't do it. But, I wrote. I wrote on my phone (if that makes any sense) at midnight when I couldn't sleep. I put my concerns down and then prayed. Now, where I sit with my religious beliefs is something that I continue to question and have done so since been confirmed back in high school. So, I won't get into all of that here and now. But, at the end of the day I do believe in a Higher Power and having to give up control of life to be at peace. And, especially at this point in my life, I have to give over that control. I am slowly losing more and more control every single day. It's hard to have a say let alone control from the corner spot of the couch! While, getting it out of my head and down in hard copy and praying helped me feel less anxious and worried, it was still there. That pit in my stomach. Ugh, I hate that feeling. The combination of my perfectionism and problems with anxiety make it an all to common problem for me.
So, today when I work up I ran towards my problems and concerns instead of away. One lesson I have learned in my life is that you HAVE to address your problems head-on. They never go away and ignoring them just makes them worse. My two big, main concerns have been finances and my baby boys. I have been out of work since April pretty much with on-going, ever-changing medical problems and poor Joe has been left to take care of us completely financially. While that does work for the most part, we had planned on a couple more months of my income so it did throw me (who does all the bills and money) for a loop. I have short-term disability, but it was taking forever to get my claim processed. I was so sure that it was going to get denied for one reason or another. The more time that passed the more sure I was of that denial. But, today I called them again. Addressed it head-on and had a very productive conversation with my claims manager. We went over what was still needed and I put that stuff on my list of things to do on Tuesday, as it information from my employer they were waiting for and the HR manager she needed to get a hold of is out of the office til then. But, then the sun shined down on me. My claims manager called back and said she was worried that I had been out of work so long with no pay and was going to take my word about my last day of work and cut me a check for nine weeks of back disability pay. I couldn't help it, the damn hormones kicked in. I hung up the phone and cried. We were driving downtown and the girls became concerned "Mama, are you ok? Do you have heartburn again":) So, we had a talk about happy tears and how sometimes you are just so happy (and relieved) that you can cry. I am still blaming the pregnancy hormones. I also spoke with my manager and while there isn't much they can do with the restrictions my doctor has placed on me, she didn't fire me on the spot or threaten me or make me feel guilty about not being there. (If you can't tell, this was another big concern of mine). Being out of work for 9-10 months due to being pregnant and having babies is alot and I was very worried that they wouldn't want to, I don't know, keep me around for a lack of better wording. But, she was very sweet and concerned about all of our health. Two HUGE concerns lifted off my shoulders.
Now, like I said, another concern I have is the boys. And since my theory of not testing fate is going so well for me as of late, I WILL NOT be addressing these concerns until I reach 24 weeks-which is tomorrow. 24 weeks is the earliest that they start to consider fetuses viable (I hate that term, but it is what it is). So, this weekend I will get all those concerns out of my head and heart, until then I feel pretty good about holding on to them. Why mess up a good thing?!?
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Quick Update
So, I haven't blogged in a while. Like I said earlier, I have a couple of other blogs that I have started but just haven't felt comfortable with how they are right now so I am waiting to tweak them before I post them. But, I thought I would put out a update. I have another ultrasound and appointment with my doctors today. So, hopefully we will get another answer of two boys!:) I think if we get that we I will feel comfortable starting to wash all the new clothes and getting that stuff organized. Plus, I have to order their special baby blankets. With each kid I have bought them a super soft and sweet Lil Giraffe blanket. For both the girls they have ended up their "favorite" blankies. But, those darn things are cheap and I have put off buying them for the boys til I knew for sure that they were just that-boys!
Also, this big appointment will probably determine what my fate is regarding work and activity level. At my last appointment there was some discussion of me returning to work. I was a little concerned but thought that I would start to increase my activity and lifting and what-not. I spoke with my physical therapist about this and she told me to take it slow and easy. Which I tried.....and it pretty much went horribly. The more activity I did the more contractions I had and the stronger they were. Also, developed alot of pelvic pressure and back pain, which after doing some research on pre-term labors are all bad signs. I have a feeling today that we will progress towards bedrest or some type of modification of that. It doesn't really matter what they call it because Joe has already put me on lock-down. He's even told Grace to question me when I am doing....well, anything. Which is is LOVING. She gets to boss around mom? She was all over that! And she's done a great job of it.
Other updates of our family-
Joey got to buy a "new" truck. With the babies coming our poor, little Malibu just isn't going to cut it anymore. My poor boo. I bought her way back before Joey and I got married, but it's time to move on. And Joe is in truck heaven! We bought a Suburban, man that thing is HUGE! Enough room for all of us and two strollers, plus more. It will be a great truck for hauling the kids around, especially in the winter.
Grace has started "summer" school. Still at St. Jeromes, but it is a much more laid-back environment, with lots of fun activities and field trips. She gets to bring her bike to school once a week and has already gone to Chuck E Cheese and had a reptile man visit her at school. She is still in her "Hot Shots" gymnastics class and loving it. She is soo strong-she can already do THREE chin-ups....this momma can't even do one. Probably why I am so darn impressed!:)
Megan, oh my sweet Meggie. She is at her last day of Susie's house. Susie is our wonderful daycare provider. We were hoping to send the baby there, yes I said baby, because she could only handle the influx of one more baby and with it being twins we have to figure out other childcare (or more like figure out how mom is going to work and not sleep so much!). So, today is it. And in two weeks she gets to start "school". She will be going with Grace. Oh my, they are both so excited. Megs to start school, Grace to get to tell her what to do and when to do it! And she turns 3 next week. My, time has flown. She seriously is my baby any more....she's a "big, potty-trained girl" as she told Joe this morning.
Also, this big appointment will probably determine what my fate is regarding work and activity level. At my last appointment there was some discussion of me returning to work. I was a little concerned but thought that I would start to increase my activity and lifting and what-not. I spoke with my physical therapist about this and she told me to take it slow and easy. Which I tried.....and it pretty much went horribly. The more activity I did the more contractions I had and the stronger they were. Also, developed alot of pelvic pressure and back pain, which after doing some research on pre-term labors are all bad signs. I have a feeling today that we will progress towards bedrest or some type of modification of that. It doesn't really matter what they call it because Joe has already put me on lock-down. He's even told Grace to question me when I am doing....well, anything. Which is is LOVING. She gets to boss around mom? She was all over that! And she's done a great job of it.
Other updates of our family-
Joey got to buy a "new" truck. With the babies coming our poor, little Malibu just isn't going to cut it anymore. My poor boo. I bought her way back before Joey and I got married, but it's time to move on. And Joe is in truck heaven! We bought a Suburban, man that thing is HUGE! Enough room for all of us and two strollers, plus more. It will be a great truck for hauling the kids around, especially in the winter.
Grace has started "summer" school. Still at St. Jeromes, but it is a much more laid-back environment, with lots of fun activities and field trips. She gets to bring her bike to school once a week and has already gone to Chuck E Cheese and had a reptile man visit her at school. She is still in her "Hot Shots" gymnastics class and loving it. She is soo strong-she can already do THREE chin-ups....this momma can't even do one. Probably why I am so darn impressed!:)
Megan, oh my sweet Meggie. She is at her last day of Susie's house. Susie is our wonderful daycare provider. We were hoping to send the baby there, yes I said baby, because she could only handle the influx of one more baby and with it being twins we have to figure out other childcare (or more like figure out how mom is going to work and not sleep so much!). So, today is it. And in two weeks she gets to start "school". She will be going with Grace. Oh my, they are both so excited. Megs to start school, Grace to get to tell her what to do and when to do it! And she turns 3 next week. My, time has flown. She seriously is my baby any more....she's a "big, potty-trained girl" as she told Joe this morning.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
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Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Random Thoughts
I have a couple of other blog topics that I have started, but I haven't been able to finish them to a point that I am satisfied with. So, this blog is about the random thoughts that go through my mind-usually at 3am.
*I need to get rid of my tape measure. It is doing nothing for me. I measure the width of my belly on a regular basis. Now, I am a reasonable-minded person, one educated in the medical field. So, I understand the need to gain weight. Even read something on mayoclinic.com the other day that says when pregnant with twins you should gain 24 lbs by 24 weeks to help reduce the risk of pre-term labor and delivery. But, man, this is not an easy process. Every single day I feel like my belly gets bigger. And, its not just me. Joe notices it (and comments, which you would think he would know better:)). So, I started measuring it. Stupidity in it's finest. And for those curious souls, it's growing 1 inch every 3 or 4 days right now....and no I am not going to document what the current measurement is. I need to get over it. But, now it's like an obsession. Did it grow from last night to this morning? Does it get smaller after I do my exercises from physical therapy? Is it bigger after I eat a big meal? Seriously, ugh. So, I need to just get rid of the damn thing. But, just so you know...I won't.
*I am quickly becoming obsessed with the Casey Anthony murder trial. Even as I type this I have Court TV on and they are analyzing and discussing the trial from the beginning. It is such a sad trial. Little Caylee Anthony was born only a couple of months earlier than my Gracie. I just can't even imagine being in this position. I truly believe that your actions and behaviors can and will set you free. My personal opinion is that Casey Anthony is guilty. She did a lot of crazy things that doesn't sit right with me as a mom of a child that exact same age. With all of that said, it's not really something that I should be spending so much time on!:) But, it's like a car accident you can't help looking at combined with a real life soap opera. Sooooo addicting!
*I can now understand how people take such a back seat to their medical care. How people have no idea what medications they are taking. When we admit a patient we have to reconcile their current medication regimen. If we are lucky they are Healthpartners patients and we have a list to work off of already in the computer. You ask them do you take this med? Their response? "Is that the little pink one? I take a little pink one with breakfast and before bed." I would just look at them and shake my head. Thinking to myself, how do you not know? Well, now I get it. I am probably 15-20 meds into this whole pregnancy. From blood pressure to nausea to vitamins to headaches. At the beginning I had a good grip of what I was being prescribed, as a lot of the meds I was given were things that I routinely give to my patients in the hospital. Then, I started having problems outside of my comfort zone. And, I seriously have wanted to give up at some points. Its almost like a full-time job to keep up with all of it. Why I am taking things, are they compatible, what are the side effects. So, now I get it. When my patients tell me the little pink pill, I am going to look at them with sympathy, not with a lack of understanding. These poor people.
*These women on the Real Housewives Shows? How did they get these shows? And why am I watching them? For every show, there is maybe, MAYBE one reasonable woman who is actually a housewife. The one good thing about them is they constantly remind me money doesn't buy happiness, class or personality. I am not going to lie though, I will keep watching them and appreciating the train wrecks for what they are!
*I don't know if I am going to actually believe that we are having two boys until they are physically out of my body. I still think it is one of each. I know that it is probably just my stubborn streak and the fact that I hate being wrong making me think this is. Its not a reasonable thought process. I am so worried about it though that I am refusing to the take tags off of things I bought or wash anything new for the babies. I have another ultrasound at the end of this month, maybe this time they will reveal themselves like Baby Mullaney did and I won't have to worry anymore about this!
*One of the things I am dreading most as this pregnancy progresses? Not being able to go to the MN State Fair. I am not kidding and only people who have gone to this awesome event before can even remotely understand how crippling this fear can become. Best case scenario right now is that I ride around the grounds on one of those electric wheelchair, Hover-round things you can rent. But, I have to be realistic, I am probably going to be on strict orders to lay on my back with my legs up in the air and crossed 23 hours a day and only allowed 10 steps in a day. Which kind of rules out enjoying all that is the State Fair. My fear of missing it is great that I have already started mapping out a route for Joey to take to bring me food home. Based on my favorites and how fresh it needs to be when it gets to me. This is not a joke! Luckily my sister understands just how important this task will be for him and has helped me make sure my list of goodies is complete. If only my due date was just a little bit earlier, I could totally go to the Fair and walk myself into labor. What a great way to end a pregnancy-stuffing my face with all that deep-fried goodness while playing State Fair bingo. It would probably go down as the greatest day in my life!:)
So there you have it. Some of the random stuff that crosses my mind while laying in bed waiting to go back to sleep. I didn't include my worrying and what have you...it can get so extensive I figured why not save all of that for it's very only blog when and if I need to get all of it out of my head and onto paper.
*I need to get rid of my tape measure. It is doing nothing for me. I measure the width of my belly on a regular basis. Now, I am a reasonable-minded person, one educated in the medical field. So, I understand the need to gain weight. Even read something on mayoclinic.com the other day that says when pregnant with twins you should gain 24 lbs by 24 weeks to help reduce the risk of pre-term labor and delivery. But, man, this is not an easy process. Every single day I feel like my belly gets bigger. And, its not just me. Joe notices it (and comments, which you would think he would know better:)). So, I started measuring it. Stupidity in it's finest. And for those curious souls, it's growing 1 inch every 3 or 4 days right now....and no I am not going to document what the current measurement is. I need to get over it. But, now it's like an obsession. Did it grow from last night to this morning? Does it get smaller after I do my exercises from physical therapy? Is it bigger after I eat a big meal? Seriously, ugh. So, I need to just get rid of the damn thing. But, just so you know...I won't.
*I am quickly becoming obsessed with the Casey Anthony murder trial. Even as I type this I have Court TV on and they are analyzing and discussing the trial from the beginning. It is such a sad trial. Little Caylee Anthony was born only a couple of months earlier than my Gracie. I just can't even imagine being in this position. I truly believe that your actions and behaviors can and will set you free. My personal opinion is that Casey Anthony is guilty. She did a lot of crazy things that doesn't sit right with me as a mom of a child that exact same age. With all of that said, it's not really something that I should be spending so much time on!:) But, it's like a car accident you can't help looking at combined with a real life soap opera. Sooooo addicting!
*I can now understand how people take such a back seat to their medical care. How people have no idea what medications they are taking. When we admit a patient we have to reconcile their current medication regimen. If we are lucky they are Healthpartners patients and we have a list to work off of already in the computer. You ask them do you take this med? Their response? "Is that the little pink one? I take a little pink one with breakfast and before bed." I would just look at them and shake my head. Thinking to myself, how do you not know? Well, now I get it. I am probably 15-20 meds into this whole pregnancy. From blood pressure to nausea to vitamins to headaches. At the beginning I had a good grip of what I was being prescribed, as a lot of the meds I was given were things that I routinely give to my patients in the hospital. Then, I started having problems outside of my comfort zone. And, I seriously have wanted to give up at some points. Its almost like a full-time job to keep up with all of it. Why I am taking things, are they compatible, what are the side effects. So, now I get it. When my patients tell me the little pink pill, I am going to look at them with sympathy, not with a lack of understanding. These poor people.
*These women on the Real Housewives Shows? How did they get these shows? And why am I watching them? For every show, there is maybe, MAYBE one reasonable woman who is actually a housewife. The one good thing about them is they constantly remind me money doesn't buy happiness, class or personality. I am not going to lie though, I will keep watching them and appreciating the train wrecks for what they are!
*I don't know if I am going to actually believe that we are having two boys until they are physically out of my body. I still think it is one of each. I know that it is probably just my stubborn streak and the fact that I hate being wrong making me think this is. Its not a reasonable thought process. I am so worried about it though that I am refusing to the take tags off of things I bought or wash anything new for the babies. I have another ultrasound at the end of this month, maybe this time they will reveal themselves like Baby Mullaney did and I won't have to worry anymore about this!
*One of the things I am dreading most as this pregnancy progresses? Not being able to go to the MN State Fair. I am not kidding and only people who have gone to this awesome event before can even remotely understand how crippling this fear can become. Best case scenario right now is that I ride around the grounds on one of those electric wheelchair, Hover-round things you can rent. But, I have to be realistic, I am probably going to be on strict orders to lay on my back with my legs up in the air and crossed 23 hours a day and only allowed 10 steps in a day. Which kind of rules out enjoying all that is the State Fair. My fear of missing it is great that I have already started mapping out a route for Joey to take to bring me food home. Based on my favorites and how fresh it needs to be when it gets to me. This is not a joke! Luckily my sister understands just how important this task will be for him and has helped me make sure my list of goodies is complete. If only my due date was just a little bit earlier, I could totally go to the Fair and walk myself into labor. What a great way to end a pregnancy-stuffing my face with all that deep-fried goodness while playing State Fair bingo. It would probably go down as the greatest day in my life!:)
So there you have it. Some of the random stuff that crosses my mind while laying in bed waiting to go back to sleep. I didn't include my worrying and what have you...it can get so extensive I figured why not save all of that for it's very only blog when and if I need to get all of it out of my head and onto paper.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming
Alright, I did one happy post....that's all you're getting for a while! Ok, maybe not, I can't be sure. One of the benefits of being pregnant, I can pretty much do whatever I want and no one will say anything to me. All I have to do is blame the hormones;)
Today was not an easy day. I just wanted to run a couple of errands. Joe was finishing up "the move" to the basement and the girls had been driving him nuts. I mean, they are definitely trying to be helpful, but they are 2 and 5.....it just doesn't work! I even picked up awesome Auntie Annie. She is very patient with the girls and they are more than willing to listen to her. I just needed to get to both Cub and Rainbow and then try to visit Home Depot to get the paint for the nursery so that Joe doesn't lose his momentum. Annie even offered to help at the park so the girls could enjoy the sun for a little bit. We were able to get everything done, but boy, did it take all I had to get through our last destination, Rainbow. Then, to top it off, I twisted and cut up my ankle on a stupid Rubbermaid bin full of Christmas stuff trying to put away a few frozen things in the basement. So, now I am crabby. Crabby about all the things that I can't do any more. This may be news to some-but I hate, absolutely hate being told I can't do something. My mentality is, you think I can't? Just watch and see me do it....kind of backfired when I was young and hung out with stupid people, but has pretty much served me well. My stubborn streak doesn't help either, oh and my hatred of failure. That combo, well it makes all these can't dos a huge thorn in my side. So, I am wallowing in self-pity today. Because I can, because I'm pregnant and that means I can! So here, it goes....
1. Walking-something so basic, yet the backbone to almost everything that is to come. Why does walking have to be so difficult? I am only 21 weeks pregnant yet I can't tolerate a simple trip to the grocery store without feeling like I have ran a marathon. Dislike
2. Working out-I just want to go to the gym and work out. I want to run so hard and so fast and so long that I can't think about anything else except my next step. I want to sweat. Not sweat because my hormones have changed my temperature regulation and its 90 degrees outside, sweat because I am making my body work. Dislike
3. Working-Honestly never thought I would miss working. My preference in life would be to stay home with the kiddos-especially with them as young as they are. But, that isn't the adult, responsible thing to do in our family. So, I work. But, now that people are telling me I can't work....I want to. Read my first paragraph for a better understanding of that thought process. Plus, I really, really miss it. I miss my friends, I miss my patients, I miss making a difference in someone's life every single day, I miss feeling needed and valued. I.miss.it. I have worked at Regions for 10 years this July, for the same unit. That's a long time and it has become a huge part of my life and who I am.....and just like that it was taken away from me. Dislike
4. Feeling pretty-Joe, the only person I really ever want to make happy is still happy with me so I know I shouldn't care so much. But, I do care (remember-I'm pregnant-so I can), I am vain. I want to look in the mirror and see pretty and sexy and beautiful. Not so much right now. I have actually decided I am going to start measuring my belly every day because I swear that thing grows daily. I waddle when I work-not attractive. My boobies are ginormous and they hurt and seriously they didn't really need to get any bigger, I was fine with them before pregnancy. And stretch marks-already? 21 weeks and they are already appearing? What the hell is this body going to look like in a couple more months. I just keep in mind that Mike and Molly's wedding is next April and so I have a huge motivator to be back to my "normal" self. Dislike
5. Date Night-goes along with feeling pretty. And making time for Joe and I to have alone time together. With so many things on, with our (really Joe's) to do list getting longer every day, those nights are a distant memory of pre-pregnancy. I want to lay the kids down and do nothing but spend time with him, talking, laughing, making inside jokes. I miss date night. Dislike
6. Doing stuff with the kids-the whole not walking thing has made it hard for us to do all of our favorites. Going to the zoo, walking to the park, spending a day at the beach. All of those things require just too much exertion from this worn-out body. I can't even put poor Megs in gymnastics this summer because it's a mom and me class. It makes me feel bad-like my girls are being deprived because of this. I know that they are and will be fine. They have lots of fun stuff to to do this summer and will stay busy, but I know that they are missing out on things and that's all it takes for me to feel like a bad momma. Dislike
7. Gardening-again, to be out in the sun and work so hard that you take a cold shower and crash into your bed sounds like a lovely, wonderful thing to me. I love flowers-picking them out, shopping at the local nursery, deciding where to plant them, digging in the dirt and making an ugly space beautiful, all things I love. And I can't do it. Dislike
8. Bending over-probably should have been higher on this list, but I just thought of it when I was thinking about missing the garden. One of the reasons I can't do it is because I can't bend over. Shit, I can't even cut or paint my own toes nails. 21 weeks-that is all I have to say. Again, poor Joe has volunteered to be my pedicurist this summer. Luckily he's not half bad at nail-painting:)
Okay, I am done. Still crabby, but feeling *a little* bit better about all of this. I just keep telling myself that this is a temporary situation. And the end result? Two healthy, little baby boys? Totally worth the journey! Especially the healthy part, so I will go without this summer. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that this is the last time my poor body will ever, ever be pregnant again....Joe and I are going to make sure of that....so I keep telling myself I have a lifetime of gardening and working a head of me. Let's hope that is enough to keep me sane through this summer.......
Today was not an easy day. I just wanted to run a couple of errands. Joe was finishing up "the move" to the basement and the girls had been driving him nuts. I mean, they are definitely trying to be helpful, but they are 2 and 5.....it just doesn't work! I even picked up awesome Auntie Annie. She is very patient with the girls and they are more than willing to listen to her. I just needed to get to both Cub and Rainbow and then try to visit Home Depot to get the paint for the nursery so that Joe doesn't lose his momentum. Annie even offered to help at the park so the girls could enjoy the sun for a little bit. We were able to get everything done, but boy, did it take all I had to get through our last destination, Rainbow. Then, to top it off, I twisted and cut up my ankle on a stupid Rubbermaid bin full of Christmas stuff trying to put away a few frozen things in the basement. So, now I am crabby. Crabby about all the things that I can't do any more. This may be news to some-but I hate, absolutely hate being told I can't do something. My mentality is, you think I can't? Just watch and see me do it....kind of backfired when I was young and hung out with stupid people, but has pretty much served me well. My stubborn streak doesn't help either, oh and my hatred of failure. That combo, well it makes all these can't dos a huge thorn in my side. So, I am wallowing in self-pity today. Because I can, because I'm pregnant and that means I can! So here, it goes....
1. Walking-something so basic, yet the backbone to almost everything that is to come. Why does walking have to be so difficult? I am only 21 weeks pregnant yet I can't tolerate a simple trip to the grocery store without feeling like I have ran a marathon. Dislike
2. Working out-I just want to go to the gym and work out. I want to run so hard and so fast and so long that I can't think about anything else except my next step. I want to sweat. Not sweat because my hormones have changed my temperature regulation and its 90 degrees outside, sweat because I am making my body work. Dislike
3. Working-Honestly never thought I would miss working. My preference in life would be to stay home with the kiddos-especially with them as young as they are. But, that isn't the adult, responsible thing to do in our family. So, I work. But, now that people are telling me I can't work....I want to. Read my first paragraph for a better understanding of that thought process. Plus, I really, really miss it. I miss my friends, I miss my patients, I miss making a difference in someone's life every single day, I miss feeling needed and valued. I.miss.it. I have worked at Regions for 10 years this July, for the same unit. That's a long time and it has become a huge part of my life and who I am.....and just like that it was taken away from me. Dislike
4. Feeling pretty-Joe, the only person I really ever want to make happy is still happy with me so I know I shouldn't care so much. But, I do care (remember-I'm pregnant-so I can), I am vain. I want to look in the mirror and see pretty and sexy and beautiful. Not so much right now. I have actually decided I am going to start measuring my belly every day because I swear that thing grows daily. I waddle when I work-not attractive. My boobies are ginormous and they hurt and seriously they didn't really need to get any bigger, I was fine with them before pregnancy. And stretch marks-already? 21 weeks and they are already appearing? What the hell is this body going to look like in a couple more months. I just keep in mind that Mike and Molly's wedding is next April and so I have a huge motivator to be back to my "normal" self. Dislike
5. Date Night-goes along with feeling pretty. And making time for Joe and I to have alone time together. With so many things on, with our (really Joe's) to do list getting longer every day, those nights are a distant memory of pre-pregnancy. I want to lay the kids down and do nothing but spend time with him, talking, laughing, making inside jokes. I miss date night. Dislike
6. Doing stuff with the kids-the whole not walking thing has made it hard for us to do all of our favorites. Going to the zoo, walking to the park, spending a day at the beach. All of those things require just too much exertion from this worn-out body. I can't even put poor Megs in gymnastics this summer because it's a mom and me class. It makes me feel bad-like my girls are being deprived because of this. I know that they are and will be fine. They have lots of fun stuff to to do this summer and will stay busy, but I know that they are missing out on things and that's all it takes for me to feel like a bad momma. Dislike
7. Gardening-again, to be out in the sun and work so hard that you take a cold shower and crash into your bed sounds like a lovely, wonderful thing to me. I love flowers-picking them out, shopping at the local nursery, deciding where to plant them, digging in the dirt and making an ugly space beautiful, all things I love. And I can't do it. Dislike
8. Bending over-probably should have been higher on this list, but I just thought of it when I was thinking about missing the garden. One of the reasons I can't do it is because I can't bend over. Shit, I can't even cut or paint my own toes nails. 21 weeks-that is all I have to say. Again, poor Joe has volunteered to be my pedicurist this summer. Luckily he's not half bad at nail-painting:)
Okay, I am done. Still crabby, but feeling *a little* bit better about all of this. I just keep telling myself that this is a temporary situation. And the end result? Two healthy, little baby boys? Totally worth the journey! Especially the healthy part, so I will go without this summer. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that this is the last time my poor body will ever, ever be pregnant again....Joe and I are going to make sure of that....so I keep telling myself I have a lifetime of gardening and working a head of me. Let's hope that is enough to keep me sane through this summer.......
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Happy Thoughts
After re-reading my last couple of posts I realized they were sounding kind of negative. Now, don't get me wrong-this hasn't been an easy couple of months with everything going on. Being so sick, adjusting to my decreased activity and mobility, and just being pregnant in general. But, there are lots of great things that have sprouted up in the meantime. Many are specifically related to this pregnancy, some are just so awesome that they have made my day! And I need to imprint this somewhere permanently. So, when I am frustrated with this whole process I have something, in writing that makes me smile!
1. Laundry-or the lack there of! When we discovered that it was twins one of the first things my sweet hubby said to me was no more laundry! For a while there I was still "helping", I would throw a load in, switch things out, etc. But, he very nicely informed me to basically mind my own business:) It's easier for him to have the process be in his control. And, who am I to argue with that? Because the fact is, once these babies come, laundry will be back on my daily list of things to do. Especially with two babies. For such little creatures they seem to create huge messes with even bigger amounts of laundry to keep up with. So, I am enjoying this break from washing and drying and folding and putting away clothes. I don't even look in the laundry room any more when I am in the basement. Ahhh, its been such a refreshing change of pace.
2. Reading-One of my all-time favorite past-times. I love to read. Fiction, non-fiction, autobiographies, mysteries, love stories, self-help, baby books, books that are made into movies, you name and I will read it. And since being on "restriction" as I have started calling it, I have re-found my love and appreciation for our local libraries. I had been taking the girls there, but our visits were sporadic at best. Not any more. We are there every three weeks, if not more. I love the library. And it's perfect for me:) The kids have any area I feel comfortable letting them roam, there's lots of chairs to sit down in as I decide which titles I want to bring home with me and it's free. I feel like I am 10 or 11 years old again. Mom would bring us to the library once a week faithfully and I would check out 20, 30 books. I could read all day-sometimes finishing 2 or 3 books in one day. And I could read late into the night-again something I get to re-visit with these "restrictions". Since I lay around so much, I nap-more than I would even like, so I spend alot time awake at night. And I spend those quiet hours reading. I have a bad habit of starting a book and not being able to put it down til the end. I have to know how it ends! And, now I have the luxury of being able to do that again.
3. Shutterfly-Ok, so some people may know that I have a slight obsession with this website/business. But, don't knock it til you've tried it. I have always loved using their different services, but it has become kind of a passion of mine lately. See, it all started a couple of Christmases ago. My step-mom, Gail, made us these awesome photo books with pictures from our childhood (again, I have to say Thank You Gail!!). Grace loved looking through it and hearing stories of my childhood. It made me start thinking about how cool it would be for the girls (and now boys:)) to have the same thing when they get older to share with their kids. I made it a personal goal of mine to make a photobook that could be birthday present every year that documented the last year of their lives. I am only one year in, but so far I have stuck with it! Right now, I am creating Megan's book about being a two year old. And let me tell you, it is going to be amazing. First of all, I have spent hours upon hours on it, add in the fact that Shutterfly keeps improving their features, and well let's just say I am having a lot of fun with it! I have even started organizing the pictures for Grace's book. But, they also have lots of other great stuff. My other personal favorite is their cards. They have them for every occasion and you can personalize them with pictures and your own words. And I am linked up with a few websites that always have codes for free cards. That's the other fun thing about Shutterfly, trying to get the stuff as cheap as possible. There is always free shipping codes floating on the Internet and coupon websites. And they send out really good coupons when you buy stuff. Add that to the free stuff you can get through the Pampers Gifts to Grow program and I have gotten photo books and cards for completely free. I am even already picking out birth announcements for the twins-again Pampers has those as a free gift! How could I not get obsessed with this? Two of my favorite things-free stuff and pictures combined? Awesome!
4.Blogging-This has become such a great outlet for me. I love that I am back into the writing game. I love that am able to find time to keep it up so far. And the more I do it, the more I miss it when I am not writing, which is only a good thing. Pretty soon, I will need to do it and that is exactly what I wanted it to become.
5.Potty-training-Before my "restrictions" became modified or strict bedrest I decided it was time to get Miss Megan out of diapers and into underwear. And, we did it! WOOHOO! Sams Club trips now are absent of buying diapers! Amazing! And she is doing wonderfully. She goes all by herself, she doesn't need prompting, this girl is ready to start at St. Jeromes with her sissy next month. Which is a good thing, because when we drop Grace off now she doesn't want to leave!:) That place is pretty awesome-I can see why see wants to stay!
6.Bejeweled-Ok, so this is a new addiction. I had to get a new phone last week. While shopping through apps I found bejeweled. Oh, sweet bejeweled. A game I wasted so many hours on before kids and nursing school. I had forgotten how amazing you were! There it was, just waiting for me to play it again. So, I am and it is sa-weet!
7.Craigslist-I have to note just how many of my happy things are associated with the computer....what would I be doing without this awesome invention during this period of imposed laziness....hmmm.....I am really glad I don't have to figure that out! So, craigslist. Let me back up and say that when we first started having kids we would only buy new stuff. I would shop sales, use coupons, etc to get better deals, but I wanted new. Well, not this time around mister. No way. I am now an experienced mommy who knows how fast you move through all the crap you *think* you need for lil babes. And now we need everything times two? Yep, these poor boys will be in used equipment. Alas, my love for craigslist. Especially the free section. People give baby stuff away for free all the time. Which I totally understand, you get overwhelmed with the amount of stuff and you just want it out! No problem, send it this way! I will take your free stuff! And, they have an awesome garage sale section. Again-practically giving baby stuff away! This time around my goal is to see how little money I can spend to outfit my baby boys with all the sweetest toys. Thank you Craigslist!
8. TV show marathons-thank you DVR and Netflix. While I haven't had as many of these as of late, but those darn doctors will be giving me more and more "restrictions" and I know these will become an integral part of my day. There is something so much more interesting and mind-numbing as watching the season of a show in 3 or 4 hours versus watching one show at a time.
9. Enjoying the summer-or this crazy weather, whatever it should be called. The good thing about the outdoors is that you don't actually have to do anything to have a good time out there. I am perfectly content lounging in my chaise lounge watching the girls splash in their little pool. Even though I when I am working, I only work part-time it always seemed inevitable that I worked on the most beautiful days. There is no worry of that now-a-days. I wake up and it's a nice day? I get to be outside. And again, Joey has really stepped up to the plate. He planted all of my flowers this spring. He could have easily passed that chore up and I would have totally understood. It's an extra that I truly enjoy, but to expect him to complete that task on top of everything else? Well, that just didn't seem fair. But, he did it. And, now I get to lay in my backyard and enjoy all the beauty around me, with no worry of the work behind it. This has been a hard concept for me grasp!
10. My marriage- So, as any married person knows marriage has its ups and downs. Life is hard and it is very easy to get wrapped up in the minute details of daily life. Paying bills, cleaning up, getting kids to and from school and activities-all that daily grind. This pregnancy has really made Joe and I re-examine our roles in our life and marriage. I have had to take a back to seat to him and he has really had to step up and take on responsibilities that have never been on his plate before. I have been so proud of him. He has done so with basically no complaining. Even when I could see the stress in his eyes he kept it away from me. I would overhear him venting to family members and would ask him about it. His only response? Don't worry about it. Your only job is to stay as healthy as possible and take care of my babies. Amazing. We just celebrated nine years of marriage on Thursday. And I feel lucky that I picked such a great man to walk this journey of life with. He is a great partner and an even better daddy. By the way-the funniest part of this anniversary? We both forgot what day it was until my mom reminded me at like 2pm that day. I am still laughing about the moment I realized neither one of us remembered! I went to CVS right after leaving my mom and got a card. Joe opened and started reading it, when he got to the part of about Happy Anniversary, I saw him look up at the calendar, back at the card and then at me. I couldn't even keep a straight face. The look of horror told me that he was just realizing what the day was. I had to tell him it was okay, that we had both forgotten! I actually think this was a much better way to spend the day. Now we will never forget our 9th anniversary.
So, there you have it. So many reasons to be happy and enjoying my life right now. Even if I can't do all the stuff I am used to, that is okay. When, ever again will I be told to be lazy? With 4 kids, probably not until retirement age and then I will hopefully have a gangle of grandkids to keep me busy and entertained. So, I am going to shutterfly it away and put together photo albums and read stacks of books. Once my little men arrive all of those things will just be a faint memory of days long ago!
1. Laundry-or the lack there of! When we discovered that it was twins one of the first things my sweet hubby said to me was no more laundry! For a while there I was still "helping", I would throw a load in, switch things out, etc. But, he very nicely informed me to basically mind my own business:) It's easier for him to have the process be in his control. And, who am I to argue with that? Because the fact is, once these babies come, laundry will be back on my daily list of things to do. Especially with two babies. For such little creatures they seem to create huge messes with even bigger amounts of laundry to keep up with. So, I am enjoying this break from washing and drying and folding and putting away clothes. I don't even look in the laundry room any more when I am in the basement. Ahhh, its been such a refreshing change of pace.
2. Reading-One of my all-time favorite past-times. I love to read. Fiction, non-fiction, autobiographies, mysteries, love stories, self-help, baby books, books that are made into movies, you name and I will read it. And since being on "restriction" as I have started calling it, I have re-found my love and appreciation for our local libraries. I had been taking the girls there, but our visits were sporadic at best. Not any more. We are there every three weeks, if not more. I love the library. And it's perfect for me:) The kids have any area I feel comfortable letting them roam, there's lots of chairs to sit down in as I decide which titles I want to bring home with me and it's free. I feel like I am 10 or 11 years old again. Mom would bring us to the library once a week faithfully and I would check out 20, 30 books. I could read all day-sometimes finishing 2 or 3 books in one day. And I could read late into the night-again something I get to re-visit with these "restrictions". Since I lay around so much, I nap-more than I would even like, so I spend alot time awake at night. And I spend those quiet hours reading. I have a bad habit of starting a book and not being able to put it down til the end. I have to know how it ends! And, now I have the luxury of being able to do that again.
3. Shutterfly-Ok, so some people may know that I have a slight obsession with this website/business. But, don't knock it til you've tried it. I have always loved using their different services, but it has become kind of a passion of mine lately. See, it all started a couple of Christmases ago. My step-mom, Gail, made us these awesome photo books with pictures from our childhood (again, I have to say Thank You Gail!!). Grace loved looking through it and hearing stories of my childhood. It made me start thinking about how cool it would be for the girls (and now boys:)) to have the same thing when they get older to share with their kids. I made it a personal goal of mine to make a photobook that could be birthday present every year that documented the last year of their lives. I am only one year in, but so far I have stuck with it! Right now, I am creating Megan's book about being a two year old. And let me tell you, it is going to be amazing. First of all, I have spent hours upon hours on it, add in the fact that Shutterfly keeps improving their features, and well let's just say I am having a lot of fun with it! I have even started organizing the pictures for Grace's book. But, they also have lots of other great stuff. My other personal favorite is their cards. They have them for every occasion and you can personalize them with pictures and your own words. And I am linked up with a few websites that always have codes for free cards. That's the other fun thing about Shutterfly, trying to get the stuff as cheap as possible. There is always free shipping codes floating on the Internet and coupon websites. And they send out really good coupons when you buy stuff. Add that to the free stuff you can get through the Pampers Gifts to Grow program and I have gotten photo books and cards for completely free. I am even already picking out birth announcements for the twins-again Pampers has those as a free gift! How could I not get obsessed with this? Two of my favorite things-free stuff and pictures combined? Awesome!
4.Blogging-This has become such a great outlet for me. I love that I am back into the writing game. I love that am able to find time to keep it up so far. And the more I do it, the more I miss it when I am not writing, which is only a good thing. Pretty soon, I will need to do it and that is exactly what I wanted it to become.
5.Potty-training-Before my "restrictions" became modified or strict bedrest I decided it was time to get Miss Megan out of diapers and into underwear. And, we did it! WOOHOO! Sams Club trips now are absent of buying diapers! Amazing! And she is doing wonderfully. She goes all by herself, she doesn't need prompting, this girl is ready to start at St. Jeromes with her sissy next month. Which is a good thing, because when we drop Grace off now she doesn't want to leave!:) That place is pretty awesome-I can see why see wants to stay!
6.Bejeweled-Ok, so this is a new addiction. I had to get a new phone last week. While shopping through apps I found bejeweled. Oh, sweet bejeweled. A game I wasted so many hours on before kids and nursing school. I had forgotten how amazing you were! There it was, just waiting for me to play it again. So, I am and it is sa-weet!
7.Craigslist-I have to note just how many of my happy things are associated with the computer....what would I be doing without this awesome invention during this period of imposed laziness....hmmm.....I am really glad I don't have to figure that out! So, craigslist. Let me back up and say that when we first started having kids we would only buy new stuff. I would shop sales, use coupons, etc to get better deals, but I wanted new. Well, not this time around mister. No way. I am now an experienced mommy who knows how fast you move through all the crap you *think* you need for lil babes. And now we need everything times two? Yep, these poor boys will be in used equipment. Alas, my love for craigslist. Especially the free section. People give baby stuff away for free all the time. Which I totally understand, you get overwhelmed with the amount of stuff and you just want it out! No problem, send it this way! I will take your free stuff! And, they have an awesome garage sale section. Again-practically giving baby stuff away! This time around my goal is to see how little money I can spend to outfit my baby boys with all the sweetest toys. Thank you Craigslist!
8. TV show marathons-thank you DVR and Netflix. While I haven't had as many of these as of late, but those darn doctors will be giving me more and more "restrictions" and I know these will become an integral part of my day. There is something so much more interesting and mind-numbing as watching the season of a show in 3 or 4 hours versus watching one show at a time.
9. Enjoying the summer-or this crazy weather, whatever it should be called. The good thing about the outdoors is that you don't actually have to do anything to have a good time out there. I am perfectly content lounging in my chaise lounge watching the girls splash in their little pool. Even though I when I am working, I only work part-time it always seemed inevitable that I worked on the most beautiful days. There is no worry of that now-a-days. I wake up and it's a nice day? I get to be outside. And again, Joey has really stepped up to the plate. He planted all of my flowers this spring. He could have easily passed that chore up and I would have totally understood. It's an extra that I truly enjoy, but to expect him to complete that task on top of everything else? Well, that just didn't seem fair. But, he did it. And, now I get to lay in my backyard and enjoy all the beauty around me, with no worry of the work behind it. This has been a hard concept for me grasp!
10. My marriage- So, as any married person knows marriage has its ups and downs. Life is hard and it is very easy to get wrapped up in the minute details of daily life. Paying bills, cleaning up, getting kids to and from school and activities-all that daily grind. This pregnancy has really made Joe and I re-examine our roles in our life and marriage. I have had to take a back to seat to him and he has really had to step up and take on responsibilities that have never been on his plate before. I have been so proud of him. He has done so with basically no complaining. Even when I could see the stress in his eyes he kept it away from me. I would overhear him venting to family members and would ask him about it. His only response? Don't worry about it. Your only job is to stay as healthy as possible and take care of my babies. Amazing. We just celebrated nine years of marriage on Thursday. And I feel lucky that I picked such a great man to walk this journey of life with. He is a great partner and an even better daddy. By the way-the funniest part of this anniversary? We both forgot what day it was until my mom reminded me at like 2pm that day. I am still laughing about the moment I realized neither one of us remembered! I went to CVS right after leaving my mom and got a card. Joe opened and started reading it, when he got to the part of about Happy Anniversary, I saw him look up at the calendar, back at the card and then at me. I couldn't even keep a straight face. The look of horror told me that he was just realizing what the day was. I had to tell him it was okay, that we had both forgotten! I actually think this was a much better way to spend the day. Now we will never forget our 9th anniversary.
So, there you have it. So many reasons to be happy and enjoying my life right now. Even if I can't do all the stuff I am used to, that is okay. When, ever again will I be told to be lazy? With 4 kids, probably not until retirement age and then I will hopefully have a gangle of grandkids to keep me busy and entertained. So, I am going to shutterfly it away and put together photo albums and read stacks of books. Once my little men arrive all of those things will just be a faint memory of days long ago!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Not My Cup of Tea
This whole being pregnant thing, it just isn't for me. For whatever reason my body doesn't like being in this state. Don't get me wrong there are things I love about it-feeling the babies move around, bonding with them for months before anyone else gets to meet them, having license to eat ice cream every day if I want to. But, to be quite honest that is about it. I don't feel more alive. I don't powerful. I don't feel amazing. And, I have had other women tell me those are their experiences with pregnancy. Me-not so lucky. This has been the longest four months of my life. I found out I was pregnant and within a week I was miserable. It has not gone away since. The problems have differed, some have gone away, some have improved. But, I have had problems ever since. My doctors, or one of them at least attributed all my problems initially to fact that I was pregnant with twins. So, my nausea and tiredness were increased. Then my blood pressure sky-rocketed. And, ever since then it feels like it has been downhill from there. While my blood pressure has greatly improved since April, thanks to medication, it was a scary month or so while we got that adjusted to a therapeutic level. Probably one of the worst moments of all of this was trying to explain to my poor husband the warning signs of a stroke. The man tries to stay away from all that is medical and here I am quizzing him...and I couldn't even do that so well because my brain felt so foggy. We were worried. Worried about me living, worried about the babies living, worried about something happening that would be life-changing. And I was worried that I would remain in that state for the rest of this pregnancy. Luckily, I have gotten better-in that area. But, there have been more problems. A major sinus infection that landed me in the ER twice before it was treated. Headaches that were only being relieved with heavy duty drugs. That has changed over to another non-scary drug, but it still inhibits me from working safely. And, now the latest problem? There is concern over the strength of my abdominal muscles and ligaments. Standing is becoming more and more painful. I actually have to attend OB physical therapy. Didn't even know such a thing existed. I had been so hopeful a couple of weeks ago that I would be released back to work. But, my doctor shot that hope down real fast. To sum it up? They don't like my job. I mean, they have respect for it. Understand the demands and because of that, they don't like the idea of me doing it....even part-time. So, its not a matter of when I will be put on restriction-I am already there. Now its a matter of what they will allow me to do. Every doctor's visit they restrict me a little bit more. And every appointment I leave swearing up and down that I am not coming back for a while. The reasonable, educated person inside doesn't allow me to cancel said appointments (that have been scheduled weekly since April). But, one of these days I would love to do it. Not working just gives me more worries and more time to worry about said worries. Thankfully, Joe is on board. He really just wants all three of us to stay healthy, so whatever we need to do, we just do it. Or should I say, he just does it!:) And since they keep restricting me more and more I have to come up with things to do. Because, this is driving me crazy! I have a feeling Netflix and the computer are going to get a lot of use over the next couple of months!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Stuff, Stuff, and more Stuff
Now that we know that we are having two boys Joe has gone into re-arranging mode. If you know us, you know that we have stuff. Alot of stuff. It's a by-product of his job. He brings stuff home. All the time. For example-the other day Grace asked me "why does daddy have two motorcycle helmets in the garage?" Such a good question! It's because we have stuff. We have a house that can withstand the influx of two new people, even two babies with all the crap that comes with them. When I say can, I actually mean should be able to. Because we are full. We don't have an empty bedroom just waiting for these bundles of joy to take over. Oh no, their room is full of stuff. Joe's stuff to be exact. His stuff has been in the extra bedroom upstairs, while my stuff has been in the basement. It's like having two walk-in closets!:) Well, now we have to combine all of this stuff into the basement. It is going to be interesting, that is for sure. We started bagging up clothes to get rid of yesterday and Joe started moving furniture out of the basement to try and figure how he is going to configure the space to fit all of our stuff. Side note-Joe is not so willing to get rid of stuff and he keeps coming up with great ideas of things I should get rid of. I am trying to remain patient with him, but seriously.
My problem with this whole situation is we are getting rid of stuff. To replace it with MORE baby and kid stuff. What were we thinking? We like our stuff. We don't wanna sort through it and decide if we should keep it or toss it. And I am not going to lie, as I emptied out a dresser in our bedroom to give to Joe (do you know how many clothes I can fit in one dresser!) I kept finding little, dinky kid toys laying around. Under my bed, on my night stand, what have you. And I threw them away. Out of spite. I know, bad mom here. But, they have taken over our entire house. We used to have beautiful Japanese vases and artwork, glass tables and candles everywhere. Now, its princesses and barbies and dress-up stuff and a play kitchen. Our house is not really ours any more, we just pay for it. They have taken it over. And we decided to have two more kids? Seriously? More stuff, more kid stuff. And now it's two boys so we have to find room for blue stuff. Ugh. This makes me sound like a selfish brat. I am okay with that. I have given away bags and bags of clothes, there will be more to go. I have to give away shoes...SHOES! I will go through my books and weed out the ones that I can live without. So, I have earned the right to be bratty! Because at the end of the day, they will have the run of our house with our blessing. We usually love and embrace every moment of being ran over....but, they better hope they don't leave any little dinky McDonald toys in my path while I give MY stuff away otherwise they will be joining me in this pain of purging!
My problem with this whole situation is we are getting rid of stuff. To replace it with MORE baby and kid stuff. What were we thinking? We like our stuff. We don't wanna sort through it and decide if we should keep it or toss it. And I am not going to lie, as I emptied out a dresser in our bedroom to give to Joe (do you know how many clothes I can fit in one dresser!) I kept finding little, dinky kid toys laying around. Under my bed, on my night stand, what have you. And I threw them away. Out of spite. I know, bad mom here. But, they have taken over our entire house. We used to have beautiful Japanese vases and artwork, glass tables and candles everywhere. Now, its princesses and barbies and dress-up stuff and a play kitchen. Our house is not really ours any more, we just pay for it. They have taken it over. And we decided to have two more kids? Seriously? More stuff, more kid stuff. And now it's two boys so we have to find room for blue stuff. Ugh. This makes me sound like a selfish brat. I am okay with that. I have given away bags and bags of clothes, there will be more to go. I have to give away shoes...SHOES! I will go through my books and weed out the ones that I can live without. So, I have earned the right to be bratty! Because at the end of the day, they will have the run of our house with our blessing. We usually love and embrace every moment of being ran over....but, they better hope they don't leave any little dinky McDonald toys in my path while I give MY stuff away otherwise they will be joining me in this pain of purging!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The BIG baby reveal!
I had my ultrasound on Thursday. The very first thing I did was explain to the tech what we were trying to do with finding out the sexes of the babies and how I really, really wanted to keep it a secret-even from myself until the big reveal. Everything went beautifully. The babies looked great, one weighed in at 8 ounces and the other at 9 ounces. And, the tech was great, she wouldn't answer any question that even came close to revealing the big news. She was smart and even folded the paper in half, put it in the envelope and sealed it shut. (I know this because I tried to hold it up to the light). Annie was with me and as soon as we were done we went straight to the bakery. Before I even started to explain what I wanted I handed the lady the envelope, she looked at me kind of bewildered, but once I told her what we were doing, she got it:) Everyone was so surprised that I didn't find out. So much so that Joe told his cousins that he would know that night what we were having. Haha, I proved him wrong! They all had to wait just one more day with the rest of us.
Poor Mike and Molly volunteered to pick the cakes up on they way over. I can't imagine how they restrained themselves from sticking a finger in the center of the cake to cheat and know the results. Especially since Molls used to work at the bakery and has knowledge in cake repair:) Could they be any cuter?!?!?
Another boy! OMG! Two boys!?!?! I think every, single person in the room was shocked. The people who had guessed two boys had done so more with the hopes that maybe we would have one! Joey and I looked and each other and just shook our heads. We were totally blown away! But, the person most moved by the reveal was Grace.....
Poor Mike and Molly volunteered to pick the cakes up on they way over. I can't imagine how they restrained themselves from sticking a finger in the center of the cake to cheat and know the results. Especially since Molls used to work at the bakery and has knowledge in cake repair:) Could they be any cuter?!?!?
I made everyone suffer through dinner and then it was time! We had decided we would let each girl cut one cake, so of course Grace went first.
AND, IT'S A..........................
BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone was so shocked! Joey made a boy! YAY! Then, it was Megan's turn.....
IS IT PINK OR BLUE???!?!?!!!???
She wasn't so happy with the fact that there was only boys in my belly. She had been hoping for two more sisters and everyone's excited and happiness made it only worse for my poor emotional girl. No worries though, we have talked her into the fact that it is actually better for her!:) We appealed to the selfish streak in all five year olds-such as you won't have to worry about sharing a room now and you're the only girls out of all the cousins on this side of the family. She decided she was definitely okay not sharing "girl stuff" with any other kids.
So, there you have it. We are having two boys. We were both pretty shocked. I think as I am adjusting to it a little bit more that I was hoping for girls because the two that I have are so awesome and amazing that I just wanted more adorable little girls to see that awesomeness again. I have adjusted to the fact my boys will just have to be awesome now too! It didn't hurt that I went shopping today and bought all sorts of adorable little boy outfits and blankets!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
In the Throes of Potty-Training
I know I said this blog was going to be all baby and pregnancy stuff and all I can say is that since I've been pregnant sleeping has been a real issue for me, which leads me into the topic of this blog. I started potty-training Miss Megs this week. We have had a couple of other attempts at this, but looking back I don't think either one of was fully committed to the process;) But, after a trip to Sam's Club were I shelled out $90.00 on diapers-one box for her and one box to stock up for the babies, I was done with that! Plus, I really, really, I mean really want a break from changing diapers for a little bit. Not long, I am a realist, but any type of break would be awesome. Plus, the kid really wants to start at "sissy's school" when she turns three and she has to be potty-trained. So, alas we started again. What do you know? She has been doing fantastic. Let me back up by saying that I had a conversation with her over the weekend and asked her why she didn't want to "use the big girl potty". She looked at me said, "Um, let me think about it........because I don't want to." Lets just say, I was slightly concerned about how all of this might go. But, like I said, she is acting like an old pro! This *might* just be the end of diapers for my baby girl.
This all leads into this morning. Early, early morning. 4:30am to be exact. Which just happens to also be my witching hour. Without fail I wake up between 4:30 and 5am for one reason or another. To use the bathroom (darn babies kicking my bladder already), one of the kids has started screaming or the cat is "knocking" on the bedroom door to get in. Once I am up during this time I can not for the life of me go back to sleep. I probably should get up and be productive but I refuse to let insomnia win. I.am.tired. But, my mind has rested just enough to start thinking and worrying. The worrying I do can and probably will be it's very own blog so I won't even bother to delve any further into that topic. But, needless to say, I would prefer to just stay asleep through those hours. Well, this morning Megan decided to wake up. All I could think is great. I looked over at my dear husband, with the wishful thought that he maybe heard her, but yeah right. That man could and does sleep through just about everything. Dogs barking, getting stepped on, kids screaming, the damn cat knocking-all of it. So, I stumble out of my room and of course inevitably stub my toe on the bench at the end of the bed, trip over Joe's house shoes and then trip over the damn cat who is stalking my bedroom door....all in the 10 feet between my room and her door.
I open the door and she is sitting up in bed smiling. Smiling? It is 4:30 am I want to scream, but seriously that would take way too much energy at this point. She holds up her empty sippy and says "I need water". I just stare at her for a moment thinking a million horrible, bad mommy responses....all that comes out those is "What?". She must have mistook my look of death and question for the normal prompting she gets to use manners. So, she continues holding up the cup and says "Can I please have water?" I just sit down at the end of her bed and continue to stare. And then she says it. "Mommy, my diaper is dry and I have to go potty!!!" And oh my, she was so darn excited. I check and sure enough, the diaper is dry. There are two thoughts going through my mind, the first is the bad mommy thought-just tell her to pee in her diaper, it's ok, that's why we put it on before bed. Then there' the good mommy thought-Yes! YES! YES! The kid is getting it, even at the god awful hour of 4:30, she is getting it. So, the good mommy in my brain over-rules the bad mommy and off we go to sit on the potty.
Of course after I get her water, tuck her in and rub her back I am awake for a good two hours, but this time around I just couldn't be upset. Even as I nod off and the twins wake up to have a royal rumble in my uterus I am still at peace with it. I was exhausted this morning when we got up, but hey, the diaper was still dry and my baby....oops my big girl (she would be sooo mad if she knew I called her my baby) is one step closer to being potty-trained. One more hurdle cleared to becoming that all important pre-schooler. And as much as I hate the fact that my girlies are growing up at me, I am also very proud of them for always taking the challenges we throw at them head-on and with a vigor that never ceases impress and amaze me. Side note: Don't expect me to be so reasonable when Gracie-girl starts kindergarten this year:) Let's just hope this doesn't become a habit though!
This all leads into this morning. Early, early morning. 4:30am to be exact. Which just happens to also be my witching hour. Without fail I wake up between 4:30 and 5am for one reason or another. To use the bathroom (darn babies kicking my bladder already), one of the kids has started screaming or the cat is "knocking" on the bedroom door to get in. Once I am up during this time I can not for the life of me go back to sleep. I probably should get up and be productive but I refuse to let insomnia win. I.am.tired. But, my mind has rested just enough to start thinking and worrying. The worrying I do can and probably will be it's very own blog so I won't even bother to delve any further into that topic. But, needless to say, I would prefer to just stay asleep through those hours. Well, this morning Megan decided to wake up. All I could think is great. I looked over at my dear husband, with the wishful thought that he maybe heard her, but yeah right. That man could and does sleep through just about everything. Dogs barking, getting stepped on, kids screaming, the damn cat knocking-all of it. So, I stumble out of my room and of course inevitably stub my toe on the bench at the end of the bed, trip over Joe's house shoes and then trip over the damn cat who is stalking my bedroom door....all in the 10 feet between my room and her door.
I open the door and she is sitting up in bed smiling. Smiling? It is 4:30 am I want to scream, but seriously that would take way too much energy at this point. She holds up her empty sippy and says "I need water". I just stare at her for a moment thinking a million horrible, bad mommy responses....all that comes out those is "What?". She must have mistook my look of death and question for the normal prompting she gets to use manners. So, she continues holding up the cup and says "Can I please have water?" I just sit down at the end of her bed and continue to stare. And then she says it. "Mommy, my diaper is dry and I have to go potty!!!" And oh my, she was so darn excited. I check and sure enough, the diaper is dry. There are two thoughts going through my mind, the first is the bad mommy thought-just tell her to pee in her diaper, it's ok, that's why we put it on before bed. Then there' the good mommy thought-Yes! YES! YES! The kid is getting it, even at the god awful hour of 4:30, she is getting it. So, the good mommy in my brain over-rules the bad mommy and off we go to sit on the potty.
Of course after I get her water, tuck her in and rub her back I am awake for a good two hours, but this time around I just couldn't be upset. Even as I nod off and the twins wake up to have a royal rumble in my uterus I am still at peace with it. I was exhausted this morning when we got up, but hey, the diaper was still dry and my baby....oops my big girl (she would be sooo mad if she knew I called her my baby) is one step closer to being potty-trained. One more hurdle cleared to becoming that all important pre-schooler. And as much as I hate the fact that my girlies are growing up at me, I am also very proud of them for always taking the challenges we throw at them head-on and with a vigor that never ceases impress and amaze me. Side note: Don't expect me to be so reasonable when Gracie-girl starts kindergarten this year:) Let's just hope this doesn't become a habit though!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Just to make people laugh
A friend of mine at work (thanks Diane) gave us this great idea on how to reveal the sex of the babies. We will use cakes to do so, pink or blue in the middle tells us what each one is. So, the whole fam will be here on Friday and hopefully the babies will behave and let us have this party! Today I was searching google in attempt to get a theme or design for the outside of the cake and I came across this one that I just had to share. It is definitely unique!
![[BabyShowerCake.jpg]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLIsbbabev6d5ChFgVBJ76FPcaXrqipw6zft-ux5nSMSOjKHcayKEWfNmDKVvWpZK0km60b7W2HTu7sFqLjqjLcDz7F8oXIQ8QkH_sH6TVyGuLMjC67MamgpfMtNIt0zHqGuhZSFMhIpc_/s1600/BabyShowerCake.jpg)
I do have to say that her boobies look amazing!
I do have to say that her boobies look amazing!
Doubling Kids in One Shot
Ah, so I had started this whole blogging thing at the end of last year and I was really stoked, really devoted, really excited to be doing it. I used to write all the time and had fallen away from recording anything other first teeth and birthdays of the kids. Then it happened. We decided that we would try for *just* one more baby. Joe and I had gotten the fever and Holly was pregnant. We had been going back and forth about the decision, but that sealed our fate. I mean, all of our kids have a cousin that's theirs. How could we deprive poor baby Mullaney? So we plunged in, even without being 100% sure we were making the right decision. My pregnancy with Megs was rough and we were both worried what another round could bring us. As much as I wanted another baby, I also want to be a mommy to my beautiful girls for a very long time to come. Well, fate had been sealed, the first month into this decision, we were pregnant.
I knew WAY before the test that it had happened, not sure how I was feeling about it I kept it to myself. Also, this was my third time around, I didn't feel that need to call the doctor at 6am to get in that day so that we could make it 100% sure, I knew. I didn't need a test to tell me that. About a week later I had a dream. It was a dream that made we awake in cold sweat with my heart pounding. I dreamt of my babies. Oh, yes, I said babies. In the dream I gave birth to twins-a boy and a girl. I woke up and just knew then. I told myself this is crazy, its just a dream. But, I knew I was lying to myself. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I was at my confirmation ultrasound. It was St. Patricks Day. I was all alone and planning to go into work when it was all done. I mean, its the 3rd time I've done this, should all be routine, right? Wrong! The tech says "The heartbeat looks great!" My response-"So, there's only one?!?!?!?" And then there was silence. I work in the medical field, I know what silence means. It means, I need a minute to think of a good answer! Sure enough, a minute goes by and the tech responds with "Ummm, no there's two." I just started laughing. This odd, awkward nervous laugh that sounded so foreign to me. I laughed so I wouldn't cry. I started to think of all the bad things we could encounter. Mom and Bob were in the terminal awaiting to board their plane to Mexico. I waited to call her until I was out the door-knowing that as soon as I heard her voice I would break down. Sure as shit, she said hello and I was balling. I was (and still have moments of being) soooo scared. Two kids? Two babies? She calmed me down enough to be safe to drive and I went straight to Joe's job. Oddly enough he was finishing up a job that he had been working on for the last week or so and I had shown me the house the day before (that is what I call fate!). I walk up to him and can barely speak. Once I get it out, he is happy. What? What is wrong with this man I married, I am thinking. Happy? You pay the bills and your happy? So, not only am I pregnant with twins but my rock has just gone insane on me in one conversation. But, that's been he stance ever since. He can't wait for his babies to get here. He's certain it's two more girls (and even though he hates to admit he is totally okay with that!).
So, once I am over the shock I start thinking I need to document this. Also, bedrest is inevitable and I am going to want something to do. Blog names and topics keep running through my head. But, I just couldn't risk it. The beginning of this pregnancy has been rough, to say the least, and I have been so worried that my precious babies wouldn't be ok. But, now, we have hit 18 weeks and Thursday I get to have *the* ultrasound. And, I am making myself do this. I know that once these babes are born I will more than likely not fill out baby books or document first smiles or roll-overs. So, they can have this. They can see what momma went through to get them here as safely as possible!
I knew WAY before the test that it had happened, not sure how I was feeling about it I kept it to myself. Also, this was my third time around, I didn't feel that need to call the doctor at 6am to get in that day so that we could make it 100% sure, I knew. I didn't need a test to tell me that. About a week later I had a dream. It was a dream that made we awake in cold sweat with my heart pounding. I dreamt of my babies. Oh, yes, I said babies. In the dream I gave birth to twins-a boy and a girl. I woke up and just knew then. I told myself this is crazy, its just a dream. But, I knew I was lying to myself. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I was at my confirmation ultrasound. It was St. Patricks Day. I was all alone and planning to go into work when it was all done. I mean, its the 3rd time I've done this, should all be routine, right? Wrong! The tech says "The heartbeat looks great!" My response-"So, there's only one?!?!?!?" And then there was silence. I work in the medical field, I know what silence means. It means, I need a minute to think of a good answer! Sure enough, a minute goes by and the tech responds with "Ummm, no there's two." I just started laughing. This odd, awkward nervous laugh that sounded so foreign to me. I laughed so I wouldn't cry. I started to think of all the bad things we could encounter. Mom and Bob were in the terminal awaiting to board their plane to Mexico. I waited to call her until I was out the door-knowing that as soon as I heard her voice I would break down. Sure as shit, she said hello and I was balling. I was (and still have moments of being) soooo scared. Two kids? Two babies? She calmed me down enough to be safe to drive and I went straight to Joe's job. Oddly enough he was finishing up a job that he had been working on for the last week or so and I had shown me the house the day before (that is what I call fate!). I walk up to him and can barely speak. Once I get it out, he is happy. What? What is wrong with this man I married, I am thinking. Happy? You pay the bills and your happy? So, not only am I pregnant with twins but my rock has just gone insane on me in one conversation. But, that's been he stance ever since. He can't wait for his babies to get here. He's certain it's two more girls (and even though he hates to admit he is totally okay with that!).
So, once I am over the shock I start thinking I need to document this. Also, bedrest is inevitable and I am going to want something to do. Blog names and topics keep running through my head. But, I just couldn't risk it. The beginning of this pregnancy has been rough, to say the least, and I have been so worried that my precious babies wouldn't be ok. But, now, we have hit 18 weeks and Thursday I get to have *the* ultrasound. And, I am making myself do this. I know that once these babes are born I will more than likely not fill out baby books or document first smiles or roll-overs. So, they can have this. They can see what momma went through to get them here as safely as possible!
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