Viability

Viability.....it's such a technical word. A word that I appreciate but also kind of despise at this point.  When you first get pregnant you worry so much that the baby is going to be okay.  Then you get to hear the heartbeat, or in this case heartbeats and your worries start to change to different things.  Like, buying car seats and finding decent childcare.  For the last few months though one of my biggest concerns has been that all of my suffering to keep my boys healthy would be all for not.  That something would happen-either my doctors would say they need to deliver the babies to keep me healthy or my body would decide it is time for them to come into this world.  I have had friends who have suffered miscarriages and stillbirths, I always understood their pain.  I never fully understood their fear if there was a next time around.  I do now. It's horrible, completely, overwhelmingly horrible. You feel so helpless.  Because you are.  There is nothing more I could do to keep them safe inside of me.  I can only have faith that all of the hardships that have come our way these last few months is going to end with the birth of two beautiful, healthy baby boys. 

But, my baby boys are viable.  They have reached the point that they could survive outside of my body if that (god forbid) needed to happen.  It is still a could, at 24 weeks babies have a 90% chance of survival.  And that would be with intense, constant medical intervention.  Interventions that could actually cause more problems, but would/could keep them alive.  It would mean months and months in the hospital.  People keep telling me that time is flying by.  No is it not.  It is creeping by, it has come down to getting through each day.  By the end of the day I am so exhausted and tired and in so much pain and ready to sleep. I am so worried that the next day is going to be a continuation of this day.  Luckily, sleeping helps bring on a new day!  When I reach Sunday of each week a little bit more weight comes off my shoulders.  I am one week closer to my boys being able to have a good start to their lives. 

And that's another worry.  What is the start of their lives going to be like?  I have been blessed with my two beautiful girls.  Both of their births were great and I was able to have it go the way I wanted it to.  Now, I am not a fool.  I work with oodles of women and have lots of mommy friends, so I have heard hundreds of birth stories.  I know that things don't always go as planned.  This is not a situation where rigidity or stubbornness is going to help, you have to be flexible for yourself and your baby.  But, with the girls things did go pretty much as planned.  I was able to go drug-free.  Labor was fairly short, pushing even shorter.  I was able to hold them immediately after birth and attempt breast-feeding before they went off to the nursery.  Joey was able to be with them and hold their little hands and speak softly to them to help them feel okay after such a crazy event.  I want the same for my boys.  I want the first touch they feel to be me. The first voice they hear to be mine.  I want them to sleep next to me while we recover and adjust to our new lives together.  I REALLY, REALLY don't want them to be so little that they can't stand the stimulation of me touching them and marveling in the wonders that I helped create.  I don't want their lives to start off in some cold, medical nursery.  I want them home, surrounded by love and noise and the craziness that is our lives.  I don't want to have to visit them and split my time between two worlds.  Between by kids.  I don't want to miss my girls because I have to be somewhere else with my boys. I don't want to "visit" my own kids in the hospital.  I want Grace and Megan to be able to hold them when they are born, not be forbidden from them because they are too young to visit the NICU.  And the truth is, until the time comes we won't know what the beginning of their lives will be. 

I hate the unknown...........