Yet another reference to kiddo TV. But, it is how I how felt over these last few months. Now that my boys are home I don't have any time to do anything except be a mommy to all 4 of my wonderful, beautiful, yet energy-draining children:) But, that wasn't always the truth. When the boys were in the hospital I had a lot of time to just sit. Sit and watch babies sleep and grow. Sitting wasn't good for me. I needed to be busy. Because when I was sitting I was thinking, thinking about this whole situation. Thinking about the bad, the good, the crazy and the wonderful. Trust me when I say that this situation has not be only bad or horrible or sad. We were very lucky, very blessed. And it makes me feel horrible to even have emotions other than happiness when I would see parents and kids going through so much worse every day I was at Childrens.
But, in the dark, hidden places in my brain and heart I feel guilt. I feel responsible. I feel horrible. I take my job as a mommy very seriously. Some of you may know that Joe and I have had to use fertility help to have each and every child we have been blessed with. So, they were all conscious decisions. And from the moment we decided to be pregnant I was in mommy mode. And the first all-important job of a mommy (in my mind anyways) is to provide my babies with a great nine months of being in my belly. And I failed my precious boys in the very first job as a mommy to them. There I said it. I failed as their mommy. And because of my failure they had to endure so, so, so much. And there was nothing I could do. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't help them. And they had to go through it so they could survive and get a chance at life. Because I couldn't bake my bundles of joy long enough they had to go through intubation, IV insertions, lab sticks, tubes down their noses, down their mouths. They had to be handled by hundreds of random strangers. They went to bed in a strange place without their family by their side. So, my thoughts went like this..."If only I had kept them in me longer they wouldn't have to go through NG tubes. If only they wouldn't have to have random strangers calm them down. If only they could be sleeping at home."
The fact is that I couldn't have stayed pregnant any longer. Not if I wanted to be here right now, able-bodied and somewhat healthy. Because the truth is I was closer to death then I care to admit. I was closer to doing permanent damage to my body that could have been life-altering. I get that, I get it more and more as time elapses. To give my babies their mommy I had to give up my control over life-mine and theirs. I know this, but I don't like it. And my brain understands that I shouldn't have guilt, that I did everything I possibly could to keep them healthy for as long as I could. My heart, well she's a different story. I don't think that there is anything, ever that will make it change how she feels. As time passes and the boys, God-willing, continue to grow and prosper, the guilt will get less, won't be so prevalent. But, it will always be there. And it will sneak up on me at random moments. Like today when my lil men had to have two nurses come out the the house and give them the first of five shots to prevent RSV this winter. Something we have to do, something that I would never even consider not doing, but something that is only being done because they were born so damn early. And there is that guilt again.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
An Attitude of Gratitude
*****I want to start off this blog by saying that this was written back when the boys were still hospitalized. I had every intention of finishing it. And actually, today was going to re-start it, but I didn't want to lose what I had already done. I didn't want to erase these emotions and thoughts. So, I am publishing it un-finished. Because I need these words out there and out of my head. I have a feeling there may be a part II to this, but for now here it is. Now, I can go forward with other blogs that are half finished or floating in my head.
If you are a Spongebob fan then you may recognize my title. And I realize that Spongebob has taken a hit in the media recently, but unless you've watched him then don't knock him!:) He actually has a great attitude about life and work and being happy. But, this phrase has popped in my head numerous times over these last few months...since being hospitalized and having the babies. I have said this many times, but I have to say it again-I have been humbled and overwhelmed by the love, support and caring that we received in our moments of crises. From our closest friends and families to random strangers.
I remember a moment when I was hospitalized but still pregnant. I think it was the second day I was there. I was on bedrest, being given Magnesium to stop the contractions and help the boys' neurological development, and I was completely exhausted. Looking back on it all, I think my body had hit it's breaking point. Joe was sitting next to me, I could barely keep my eyes open to look at him. I kept insisting that he go home, he didn't have to sit there and stare at me while I slept and that was all i was going to do. That was all I had done since being admitted to the hospital. I felt horrible-my head was throbbing, I was burning up and couldn't eat. He finally relented and agreed that he would go home and try to get some stuff done and then get some sleep. I asked him if before he left he could bring me stuff to brush my teeth. As I tried to sit up in bed, I couldn't. I could not muster up the strength to sit up. Even with my strong husband trying to help me I couldn't do it. I couldn't support myself sitting up. So, we used the bed to sit me up, kind of, so I could brush my teeth. Joe finished helping me and then actually went home for the night. And I laid there. All alone, in a room only lit up by the continuous baby monitor lights and cried. How had I gotten to the point where I couldn't sit up? How had I gotten so sick? I was terrified. What if this was just a sign of things to come? I pride myself on being active and busy. What if that part of me was gone? And I thought "wow, I am never going to take THAT for granted"....just the ability to sit up. Such a simple activity, a task we complete without even considering it, it's so ingrained in how our bodies function. And moments like that have kept happening.
How could I not be grateful? I gave birth to my beautiful boys at 29 weeks pregnant. And they are here. I get to visit them every day, to hold them and love them. We have been surrounded by a whole gangle of people who are doing nothing but loving us and supporting us. Our family-Joe's mom, my parents and siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandma and grandpa-such a great group of people who have remained steadfast in their support of us. What a huge proverbial rock we have to lean on. And lean we have had to. This has been an experience that requires us to ask for help, something that we both hate to do. Then there is everyone at the hospital. Our temporary home away from home. People there do an incredible job everyday. Not only taking care of our boys, but also us.
If you are a Spongebob fan then you may recognize my title. And I realize that Spongebob has taken a hit in the media recently, but unless you've watched him then don't knock him!:) He actually has a great attitude about life and work and being happy. But, this phrase has popped in my head numerous times over these last few months...since being hospitalized and having the babies. I have said this many times, but I have to say it again-I have been humbled and overwhelmed by the love, support and caring that we received in our moments of crises. From our closest friends and families to random strangers.
I remember a moment when I was hospitalized but still pregnant. I think it was the second day I was there. I was on bedrest, being given Magnesium to stop the contractions and help the boys' neurological development, and I was completely exhausted. Looking back on it all, I think my body had hit it's breaking point. Joe was sitting next to me, I could barely keep my eyes open to look at him. I kept insisting that he go home, he didn't have to sit there and stare at me while I slept and that was all i was going to do. That was all I had done since being admitted to the hospital. I felt horrible-my head was throbbing, I was burning up and couldn't eat. He finally relented and agreed that he would go home and try to get some stuff done and then get some sleep. I asked him if before he left he could bring me stuff to brush my teeth. As I tried to sit up in bed, I couldn't. I could not muster up the strength to sit up. Even with my strong husband trying to help me I couldn't do it. I couldn't support myself sitting up. So, we used the bed to sit me up, kind of, so I could brush my teeth. Joe finished helping me and then actually went home for the night. And I laid there. All alone, in a room only lit up by the continuous baby monitor lights and cried. How had I gotten to the point where I couldn't sit up? How had I gotten so sick? I was terrified. What if this was just a sign of things to come? I pride myself on being active and busy. What if that part of me was gone? And I thought "wow, I am never going to take THAT for granted"....just the ability to sit up. Such a simple activity, a task we complete without even considering it, it's so ingrained in how our bodies function. And moments like that have kept happening.
How could I not be grateful? I gave birth to my beautiful boys at 29 weeks pregnant. And they are here. I get to visit them every day, to hold them and love them. We have been surrounded by a whole gangle of people who are doing nothing but loving us and supporting us. Our family-Joe's mom, my parents and siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandma and grandpa-such a great group of people who have remained steadfast in their support of us. What a huge proverbial rock we have to lean on. And lean we have had to. This has been an experience that requires us to ask for help, something that we both hate to do. Then there is everyone at the hospital. Our temporary home away from home. People there do an incredible job everyday. Not only taking care of our boys, but also us.
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