Testing Fate

Testing fate....this is a theory or thought that I live by.  Meaning don't do it! It's kind of like don't count your eggs til they're hatched.  At work don't you dare say the Q word  (look, I am so serious about that one that I won't even it say it now).  Ask anyone who works a hospital for sure, maybe any time of health care.  This is like doomsday.  You are almost willing for 6 admits at once or a code or something horrible happening. No joke. I have seen too many free throws missed or a batter strike out just as soon as the announcer proclaims "They have made 100 million free throws in a row" or "They have NEVER struck out against this pitcher".   Minnesota announcers are really, really good at that! 

I have been having many, many worries floating through my head.  Many that I needed to get out in some way or another.  I kept writing blogs in my head about these things but was so terrified that I would be testing fate that I couldn't do it.  The moment I address those worries out loud, my solutions were going to disappear, I was sure of it.  Last night, though I couldn't take it any more.  I was so overwhelmed by worry that I had to write it down, but again I couldn't do it in blog form.  Because part of my theory is that talking or sharing with others only make it worse.  You tell someone something and then all the sudden everything changes-you either look like a liar or have to take back what you have said.  I just couldn't do it.  But, I wrote.  I wrote on my phone (if that makes any sense) at midnight when I couldn't sleep.  I put my concerns down and then prayed.  Now, where I sit with my religious beliefs is something that I continue to question and have done so since been confirmed back in high school.  So, I won't get into all of that here and now.  But, at the end of the day I do believe in a Higher Power and having to give up control of life to be at peace.  And, especially at this point in my life, I have to give over that control.  I am slowly losing more and more control every single day.  It's hard to have a say let alone control from the corner spot of the couch!  While, getting it out of my head and down in hard copy and praying helped me feel less anxious and worried, it was still there.  That pit in my stomach.  Ugh, I hate that feeling.  The combination of my perfectionism and problems with anxiety make it an all to common problem for me. 

So, today when I work up I ran towards my problems and concerns instead of away.  One lesson I have learned in my life is that you HAVE to address your problems head-on.  They never go away and ignoring them just makes them worse.  My two big, main concerns have been finances and my baby boys.  I have been out of work since April pretty much with on-going, ever-changing medical problems and poor Joe has been left to take care of us completely financially.  While that does work for the most part, we had planned on a couple more months of my income so it did throw me (who does all the bills and money) for a loop.  I have short-term disability, but it was taking forever to get my claim processed.  I was so sure that it was going to get denied for one reason or another.  The more time that passed the more sure I was of that denial.  But, today I called them again.  Addressed it head-on and had a very productive conversation with my claims manager.  We went over what was still needed and I put that stuff on my list of things to do on Tuesday, as it information from my employer they were waiting for and the HR manager she needed to get a hold of is out of the office til then.  But, then the sun shined down on me.  My claims manager called back and said she was worried that I had been out of work so long with no pay and was going to take my word about my last day of work and cut me a check for nine weeks of back disability pay.  I couldn't help it, the damn hormones kicked in.  I hung up the phone and cried.  We were driving downtown and the girls became concerned "Mama, are you ok? Do you have heartburn again":)  So, we had a talk about happy tears and how sometimes you are just so happy (and relieved) that you can cry.  I am still blaming the pregnancy hormones.  I also spoke with my manager and while there isn't much they can do with the restrictions my doctor has placed on me, she didn't fire me on the spot or threaten me or make me feel guilty about not being there. (If you can't tell, this was another big concern of mine).  Being out of work for 9-10 months due to being pregnant and having babies is alot and I was very worried that they wouldn't want to, I don't know, keep me around for a lack of better wording.  But, she was very sweet and concerned about all of our health.  Two HUGE concerns lifted off my shoulders. 

Now, like I said, another concern I have is the boys.  And since my theory of not testing fate is going so well for me as of late, I WILL NOT be addressing these concerns until I reach 24 weeks-which is tomorrow.  24 weeks is the earliest that they start to consider fetuses viable (I hate that term, but it is what it is).  So, this weekend I will get all those concerns out of my head and heart, until then I feel pretty good about holding on to them.  Why mess up a good thing?!?