Easter Sunday just happened to also be the day that the boys turned eight months old. Eight. Months. Old. Wow. I can honestly say that I had moments when I was terrified that we may never get to this place. And, I wouldn't let my mind even delve into all the problems we may be facing if we did make it. But, look! Here we are. We made it! The boys are doing wonderfully. If you were to see them today it would be hard to believe where their lives started. They certainly don't look like babies who were born almost three months early, weighing in at less than 1500 grams (we would learn that this is a huge cut-off in the preemie world) and not be able to breathe independently. There are moments when I have flashbacks. There is never one thing that brings me back. Sometimes its a sound or maybe a story from a fellow preemie parent. But, when they happen I am transported back to those rooms. I can see them now. First their separate but attached rooms in the NICU. Where Joey and I would sit in opposite rooms, holding babies and talking through the doorway. Then, what became our home away from home. Our room on the ICC. Our twin room. It was way to small for everything we crammed in there, but I wouldn't have changed that for anything. Being in that room allowed me to hold both of my babies at the same time. Or I could hold one baby and soothe the other, they were that close to each other. That was the room where they both graduated from their isolettes to their cribs. The room where they first breastfed. The room where Joey almost coded on us. And where Vinnie went on a hunger strike until his bro came back to him. While we had an amazing stay at Children's in Minneapolis, my biggest fear from the moment I drove out of their parking ramp with both babies in the van was having to go back. They were still so little that we just didn't know what was going to happen. Would they be able to eat enough to grow and prosper? Would their little immune systems be able to handle two big sisters who go to school? Would their nervous system shut down from all the chaos around them? Would our pets induce or provoke respiratory problems we didn't pick up in the hospital? Not only all of that was going on....but I also had to factor in their apnea monitors and need for medications. So, I put us on lock-down. I made a list of people who I knew would be around enough to make sense to expose the boys to their germs. It was a short list. But, to be quite honest if I had had my way-it would have been shorter. Not, that it was actually possible to do so, but my fear of being re-admitted was so prevalent that I would have done anything to keep it at bay.
And that decision sucked. Both Joe and I have huge families. Full of people who love us and supported us through the hardest months of our lives. Who prayed and loved these lil guys without even really knowing them. My family is the kind that when a new baby shows up they get passed around for hours. As the parent you won't know where your kid is or who has them, but I can promise they are very well looked after. I have always used it as a nice break from having a new baby. Not this time. I couldn't do that. Going to events-family or otherwise stressed me out. I worry about who may be sick, if people are going to try and touch the boys, if I am going to have to go all Mama Bear on someone. Luckily for my own anxiety level and for the boys health they are with me 99.9% of the time. You can't control what you can't see, right? And usually, I don't have anything to worry about. Moms tell their kids not to touch the boys-usually. People stay a healthy distance from them as they peer into their stroller-usually. But, not all the time. Some people just don't get it. Its those people that scare me, terrify me, piss me off, and make me want to go all karate on their faces.
I have had to be the boys biggest advocate and I can truly say today, that I now understand why I am a nurse. If for no other reason it gave me the knowledge, backbone and strength to make sure they had the best and brightest but with minimal invasion of their beings. I am so thankful for all the life experiences that I had before these guys came into my life. They made it possible for me to be comfortable enough in my own skin to challenge their nurses, question their doctors and to say to people...stay away. It had turned into tunnel vision. My only mission was to keep them healthy and home. Joe usually defers to me in these situations. If its medical, what I say goes. But, when the weather started to get nicer he started to question the need for such a strict lock-down. And with that questioning I started to waver in my resolve. I allowed them to be exposed to new people. And sure as shit, they both got sick. With respiratory problems. Bad enough so that I had to talk the urgent care doctor out of admitting Joey for his pneumonia. So, the lock-down is back in place. I don't know how long I will have to keep it in place. But, for now, for my own sake if nothing else, it's there. They may look amazing, but that doesn't change their beginnings. That doesn't change the fact that a common cold for us can lead to breathing tubes and ICUs for my guys. Hence the title of this.....my guys may look like regular babies, but they are not. So, here's my explanation for why people can't hold them and get to know them. And I want to use this as an apology to everyone who wants to snuggle and cuddle and love on them. We want those things for you and for them also, but I just can't do it. Not yet. So, I am sorry. This Mama Bear is putting her foot down. I can't have it. And to be honest I don't know when I will be comfortable with that idea. So, please be patient with us. And don't stop loving and praying for us from afar. <3
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