One Year

Have you ever stopped to think about all the events that happen in the span of one year? I hadn't until recently. Oh sure, I do like most humans and reflect on New Years Eve on all the previous year held and my hopes and dreams for the upcoming days and months.  But, I had never taken the time to reflect on all that a year can bring. How many emotions we can feel.  How many events can occur. How much we can change.  In my life I have had many life-changing events.  I have had good years, bad years, and great years. But, this last year, well, this last year has been something else. 

Last week, as we quickly approached the boys' turning one I started to reflect over this thought of "one year".  One year ago we really didn't know what the future held for our family.  We had no idea what time would bring us. Would the boys have serious medical problems? Would they ever leave the hospital? Would they be able to breathe on their own? Would they be able to eat?  We also had big worries when it came to me and my health. Would I recover from all that happened? Would I continue to have health problems? Would I have hypertension for the rest of my life?  I don't think that at this point, one year ago, we had any type of grasp of what had just happened to our family. We were (and had really been) in survival mode.  My goals were few but held such importance that I could see nothing but my goals.  I needed to see my babies, I needed to see my girls and I needed to connect with my husband.  That was it.  Those five people became my tunnel vision.  Five people, who needed me so much, but made due with a edited version of me.  No matter where I was, I needed to be somewhere else. 

I have to say that the pain of leaving your babies in the care of others is a pain that I will never forget, I would never wish  that on anyone else. It hurt so deep inside that I didn't realize I could feel a pain, an emptiness to that proportion.  Part of my pain was brought on by my feeling helpless.  Not a feeling I do well.  I am a do-er, not a sitter.  Do you know how hard it was for me to not "work" when I was at the hospital?  I had to be Joey and Vinnie's mom, not a nurse.  But, didn't they know I could do what they were doing?  They don't need to change diapers or take their temps, I can do that.  I didn't want their nurses' voices to be who their heard and what soothed them, I wanted it to be me.  Ahhhh, so selfish, but so true.  And luckily,  I was *just* wise enough to know better than to get in the way of all the incredible caregivers we had at Children's.

Pain, helplessness, fear.  All very prevalent emotions a year ago.  Emotions that I don't think were processed until recently.  Emotions that were kept that bay.  Emotions that could have taken over my entire being if they had the opportunity.  But, they didn't.  It was amazing to me, actually it still is, that in the midst of such a horrible, scary, and overwhelming situation there was good and happiness lurking at every turn, in every corner.  People sent messages, made dinner, watched the girls, prayed for us.  It never failed, I would hit a wall, feel like I couldn't take another step in this journey and all the sudden I would get a text or a message or a card....something, that made my day bearable.  Made it possible for me to take the next step.  Gave me strength. 

We were a few of the lucky ones.  Our stay at Children's was fairly unremarkable.  We had roadblocks and they both had moments of scaring this poor mom, but overall....our guys sailed through, right into being normal, healthy newborns and now infants.  Every time there could have been a problem, there wasn't.  All the things that could go wrong, went right.  Not for one baby, but both of them. And for me.  My blood pressure dropped, walking didn't kill me anymore, and the headaches were gone.  We were three for three.  That isn't just great or cool, its amazing, really nothing short of a miracle-you know, if you believe in that sort of thing.  And after this, I do.  Because I know, unfortunately because of my training, just how many things could have gone wrong.  And they didn't.  Sitting here, writing this, I am crying....maybe even close to sobbing.  Tears of happiness and relief.  Tears that should have been cried a year ago, but I couldn't or wouldn't admit were there.  But, you know I will take these tears. I will take this moment. I will revel in all this year brought us. Because as bad as it was in some ways, it is a year I would never take back.  Here we are with one whole year under our belts.  And we are stronger and better than we were a year ago.  I am better and stronger, as is Joey.  And our marriage has never been more solid.  We have never been more connected.  We faced this hurdle, flew over it and now are running the good race.  I am so proud of my family and myself.