Have you ever stopped to think about all the events that happen in the span of one year? I hadn't until recently. Oh sure, I do like most humans and reflect on New Years Eve on all the previous year held and my hopes and dreams for the upcoming days and months. But, I had never taken the time to reflect on all that a year can bring. How many emotions we can feel. How many events can occur. How much we can change. In my life I have had many life-changing events. I have had good years, bad years, and great years. But, this last year, well, this last year has been something else.
Last week, as we quickly approached the boys' turning one I started to reflect over this thought of "one year". One year ago we really didn't know what the future held for our family. We had no idea what time would bring us. Would the boys have serious medical problems? Would they ever leave the hospital? Would they be able to breathe on their own? Would they be able to eat? We also had big worries when it came to me and my health. Would I recover from all that happened? Would I continue to have health problems? Would I have hypertension for the rest of my life? I don't think that at this point, one year ago, we had any type of grasp of what had just happened to our family. We were (and had really been) in survival mode. My goals were few but held such importance that I could see nothing but my goals. I needed to see my babies, I needed to see my girls and I needed to connect with my husband. That was it. Those five people became my tunnel vision. Five people, who needed me so much, but made due with a edited version of me. No matter where I was, I needed to be somewhere else.
I have to say that the pain of leaving your babies in the care of others is a pain that I will never forget, I would never wish that on anyone else. It hurt so deep inside that I didn't realize I could feel a pain, an emptiness to that proportion. Part of my pain was brought on by my feeling helpless. Not a feeling I do well. I am a do-er, not a sitter. Do you know how hard it was for me to not "work" when I was at the hospital? I had to be Joey and Vinnie's mom, not a nurse. But, didn't they know I could do what they were doing? They don't need to change diapers or take their temps, I can do that. I didn't want their nurses' voices to be who their heard and what soothed them, I wanted it to be me. Ahhhh, so selfish, but so true. And luckily, I was *just* wise enough to know better than to get in the way of all the incredible caregivers we had at Children's.
Pain, helplessness, fear. All very prevalent emotions a year ago. Emotions that I don't think were processed until recently. Emotions that were kept that bay. Emotions that could have taken over my entire being if they had the opportunity. But, they didn't. It was amazing to me, actually it still is, that in the midst of such a horrible, scary, and overwhelming situation there was good and happiness lurking at every turn, in every corner. People sent messages, made dinner, watched the girls, prayed for us. It never failed, I would hit a wall, feel like I couldn't take another step in this journey and all the sudden I would get a text or a message or a card....something, that made my day bearable. Made it possible for me to take the next step. Gave me strength.
We were a few of the lucky ones. Our stay at Children's was fairly unremarkable. We had roadblocks and they both had moments of scaring this poor mom, but overall....our guys sailed through, right into being normal, healthy newborns and now infants. Every time there could have been a problem, there wasn't. All the things that could go wrong, went right. Not for one baby, but both of them. And for me. My blood pressure dropped, walking didn't kill me anymore, and the headaches were gone. We were three for three. That isn't just great or cool, its amazing, really nothing short of a miracle-you know, if you believe in that sort of thing. And after this, I do. Because I know, unfortunately because of my training, just how many things could have gone wrong. And they didn't. Sitting here, writing this, I am crying....maybe even close to sobbing. Tears of happiness and relief. Tears that should have been cried a year ago, but I couldn't or wouldn't admit were there. But, you know I will take these tears. I will take this moment. I will revel in all this year brought us. Because as bad as it was in some ways, it is a year I would never take back. Here we are with one whole year under our belts. And we are stronger and better than we were a year ago. I am better and stronger, as is Joey. And our marriage has never been more solid. We have never been more connected. We faced this hurdle, flew over it and now are running the good race. I am so proud of my family and myself.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Friday Fives
I am stealing this idea from a friend who also blogs (and is much more diligent about it then I). On Fridays Tracy posts five interesting lil facts about one of her kiddos. It's one of my favorite blogs that she does because those tidbits always get me to smile if not laugh! Since I am not as diligent as she is about this whole blogging thing I decided that I am just going to do five facts about each kiddo in this blog. If I ever become more "on the ball" maybe then I will only do one kid at a time, but let's be realistic....when is that ever going to happen?!
Grace
1. She is really, really good at guitar. She can play songs without even looking at the strings the majority of the time.
2. She can get up on stage at her dance recital in front of hundreds of people and put on a show, she memorized four lines and nailed them at the mass put on by her kindergarten class a couple of weeks ago, but the child will not go upstairs by herself out of fear or ogres. Yep, she's afraid Shrek is in the bathroom.
3.Every major holiday that comes and goes she creates a "show" of some type. Last Christmas she even made her cousins wear reindeer antlers while she sang to the family.
4.She is afraid of swimming.
5.But she's not afraid of horses even though last summer she fell off the first one she had ever been on and broke her arm in 2 places. So not afraid of them that she wants to do a summer camp to learn how to ride.
Megan
1.She still uses "nu-nus" (pacifiers). But, when she turns 4 she is going to give them to the "nu-nu" fairy. She doesn't use them so much to suck on then, although she does do this. Her favorite thing to do? Play with them between her toes.
2.She lost her entire big toenail after injuring it about a month ago. It is something we talk about and examine at least four times a day. At least.
3.She is the only person (other than myself) who correctly IDs the baby boys the first time, every time. And she's been able to do so since her first time meeting them.
4. She kind of, just a little bit likes the color purple;)
5.She is a "master" of gymnastics. Ok, maybe not a master, but she graduated from Beginners 2 to Intermediate and her sheet said she had mastered all the beginner 2 stuff. So, ask her and she's a master:)
Joey
1.He is whiny. Oh, man, can that kid whine and cry for attention. The moment you pick him up he stops. And now the saddest thing is when you walk in on him crying and his glasses have fogged up. The poor guy can't see anything.
2.He is mobile. Like scoot backwards and get stuck under the couch mobile. Like putting up safety gates mobile. AH!
3.He LOVES our cat and dog. He just about broke his neck and ate his dinner with his head sideways tonight because he was stalking the cat as she walked through the room.
4. He sleeps with a blanket over his face. Which scares the be-jesus out of me, but it's the only way the kid falls asleep....so like his father there.
5.We had to move him up to size 3 diapers because his thighs just couldn't handle the size 2s anymore.
Vinnie
1.My favorite nickname for him is bonus baby and when I call him that he laughs and laughs and laughs!
2.He is my calmest, most laid-back kid ever. Joey will be about ready to explode from not being picked up fast enough and Vinnie just lays there and smiles and laughs. The more ridiculous Joey is being the funnier Vinnie thinks it is.
3.He will grab anything you put in front of him....and quickly. And then you better be ready for tug-of-war because once he has something he does not want to let go.
4.The only food that he refuses to eat so far is peas....and who can blame the poor kid? Peas are pretty bad to start with then they puree them into water for the babies. Ick.
5.He is obsessed with me. All of my other kids have been obsessed with dad. Not Vinnie. Now, don't get me wrong he loves and adores Joe, but for right now I am his sun and moon. And, to let you in on a little secret...I don't want that to ever change!
Grace
1. She is really, really good at guitar. She can play songs without even looking at the strings the majority of the time.
2. She can get up on stage at her dance recital in front of hundreds of people and put on a show, she memorized four lines and nailed them at the mass put on by her kindergarten class a couple of weeks ago, but the child will not go upstairs by herself out of fear or ogres. Yep, she's afraid Shrek is in the bathroom.
3.Every major holiday that comes and goes she creates a "show" of some type. Last Christmas she even made her cousins wear reindeer antlers while she sang to the family.
4.She is afraid of swimming.
5.But she's not afraid of horses even though last summer she fell off the first one she had ever been on and broke her arm in 2 places. So not afraid of them that she wants to do a summer camp to learn how to ride.
Megan
1.She still uses "nu-nus" (pacifiers). But, when she turns 4 she is going to give them to the "nu-nu" fairy. She doesn't use them so much to suck on then, although she does do this. Her favorite thing to do? Play with them between her toes.
2.She lost her entire big toenail after injuring it about a month ago. It is something we talk about and examine at least four times a day. At least.
3.She is the only person (other than myself) who correctly IDs the baby boys the first time, every time. And she's been able to do so since her first time meeting them.
4. She kind of, just a little bit likes the color purple;)
5.She is a "master" of gymnastics. Ok, maybe not a master, but she graduated from Beginners 2 to Intermediate and her sheet said she had mastered all the beginner 2 stuff. So, ask her and she's a master:)
Joey
1.He is whiny. Oh, man, can that kid whine and cry for attention. The moment you pick him up he stops. And now the saddest thing is when you walk in on him crying and his glasses have fogged up. The poor guy can't see anything.
2.He is mobile. Like scoot backwards and get stuck under the couch mobile. Like putting up safety gates mobile. AH!
3.He LOVES our cat and dog. He just about broke his neck and ate his dinner with his head sideways tonight because he was stalking the cat as she walked through the room.
4. He sleeps with a blanket over his face. Which scares the be-jesus out of me, but it's the only way the kid falls asleep....so like his father there.
5.We had to move him up to size 3 diapers because his thighs just couldn't handle the size 2s anymore.
Vinnie
1.My favorite nickname for him is bonus baby and when I call him that he laughs and laughs and laughs!
2.He is my calmest, most laid-back kid ever. Joey will be about ready to explode from not being picked up fast enough and Vinnie just lays there and smiles and laughs. The more ridiculous Joey is being the funnier Vinnie thinks it is.
3.He will grab anything you put in front of him....and quickly. And then you better be ready for tug-of-war because once he has something he does not want to let go.
4.The only food that he refuses to eat so far is peas....and who can blame the poor kid? Peas are pretty bad to start with then they puree them into water for the babies. Ick.
5.He is obsessed with me. All of my other kids have been obsessed with dad. Not Vinnie. Now, don't get me wrong he loves and adores Joe, but for right now I am his sun and moon. And, to let you in on a little secret...I don't want that to ever change!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Looks can be Deceiving: An Explanation and Apology
Easter Sunday just happened to also be the day that the boys turned eight months old. Eight. Months. Old. Wow. I can honestly say that I had moments when I was terrified that we may never get to this place. And, I wouldn't let my mind even delve into all the problems we may be facing if we did make it. But, look! Here we are. We made it! The boys are doing wonderfully. If you were to see them today it would be hard to believe where their lives started. They certainly don't look like babies who were born almost three months early, weighing in at less than 1500 grams (we would learn that this is a huge cut-off in the preemie world) and not be able to breathe independently. There are moments when I have flashbacks. There is never one thing that brings me back. Sometimes its a sound or maybe a story from a fellow preemie parent. But, when they happen I am transported back to those rooms. I can see them now. First their separate but attached rooms in the NICU. Where Joey and I would sit in opposite rooms, holding babies and talking through the doorway. Then, what became our home away from home. Our room on the ICC. Our twin room. It was way to small for everything we crammed in there, but I wouldn't have changed that for anything. Being in that room allowed me to hold both of my babies at the same time. Or I could hold one baby and soothe the other, they were that close to each other. That was the room where they both graduated from their isolettes to their cribs. The room where they first breastfed. The room where Joey almost coded on us. And where Vinnie went on a hunger strike until his bro came back to him. While we had an amazing stay at Children's in Minneapolis, my biggest fear from the moment I drove out of their parking ramp with both babies in the van was having to go back. They were still so little that we just didn't know what was going to happen. Would they be able to eat enough to grow and prosper? Would their little immune systems be able to handle two big sisters who go to school? Would their nervous system shut down from all the chaos around them? Would our pets induce or provoke respiratory problems we didn't pick up in the hospital? Not only all of that was going on....but I also had to factor in their apnea monitors and need for medications. So, I put us on lock-down. I made a list of people who I knew would be around enough to make sense to expose the boys to their germs. It was a short list. But, to be quite honest if I had had my way-it would have been shorter. Not, that it was actually possible to do so, but my fear of being re-admitted was so prevalent that I would have done anything to keep it at bay.
And that decision sucked. Both Joe and I have huge families. Full of people who love us and supported us through the hardest months of our lives. Who prayed and loved these lil guys without even really knowing them. My family is the kind that when a new baby shows up they get passed around for hours. As the parent you won't know where your kid is or who has them, but I can promise they are very well looked after. I have always used it as a nice break from having a new baby. Not this time. I couldn't do that. Going to events-family or otherwise stressed me out. I worry about who may be sick, if people are going to try and touch the boys, if I am going to have to go all Mama Bear on someone. Luckily for my own anxiety level and for the boys health they are with me 99.9% of the time. You can't control what you can't see, right? And usually, I don't have anything to worry about. Moms tell their kids not to touch the boys-usually. People stay a healthy distance from them as they peer into their stroller-usually. But, not all the time. Some people just don't get it. Its those people that scare me, terrify me, piss me off, and make me want to go all karate on their faces.
I have had to be the boys biggest advocate and I can truly say today, that I now understand why I am a nurse. If for no other reason it gave me the knowledge, backbone and strength to make sure they had the best and brightest but with minimal invasion of their beings. I am so thankful for all the life experiences that I had before these guys came into my life. They made it possible for me to be comfortable enough in my own skin to challenge their nurses, question their doctors and to say to people...stay away. It had turned into tunnel vision. My only mission was to keep them healthy and home. Joe usually defers to me in these situations. If its medical, what I say goes. But, when the weather started to get nicer he started to question the need for such a strict lock-down. And with that questioning I started to waver in my resolve. I allowed them to be exposed to new people. And sure as shit, they both got sick. With respiratory problems. Bad enough so that I had to talk the urgent care doctor out of admitting Joey for his pneumonia. So, the lock-down is back in place. I don't know how long I will have to keep it in place. But, for now, for my own sake if nothing else, it's there. They may look amazing, but that doesn't change their beginnings. That doesn't change the fact that a common cold for us can lead to breathing tubes and ICUs for my guys. Hence the title of this.....my guys may look like regular babies, but they are not. So, here's my explanation for why people can't hold them and get to know them. And I want to use this as an apology to everyone who wants to snuggle and cuddle and love on them. We want those things for you and for them also, but I just can't do it. Not yet. So, I am sorry. This Mama Bear is putting her foot down. I can't have it. And to be honest I don't know when I will be comfortable with that idea. So, please be patient with us. And don't stop loving and praying for us from afar. <3
And that decision sucked. Both Joe and I have huge families. Full of people who love us and supported us through the hardest months of our lives. Who prayed and loved these lil guys without even really knowing them. My family is the kind that when a new baby shows up they get passed around for hours. As the parent you won't know where your kid is or who has them, but I can promise they are very well looked after. I have always used it as a nice break from having a new baby. Not this time. I couldn't do that. Going to events-family or otherwise stressed me out. I worry about who may be sick, if people are going to try and touch the boys, if I am going to have to go all Mama Bear on someone. Luckily for my own anxiety level and for the boys health they are with me 99.9% of the time. You can't control what you can't see, right? And usually, I don't have anything to worry about. Moms tell their kids not to touch the boys-usually. People stay a healthy distance from them as they peer into their stroller-usually. But, not all the time. Some people just don't get it. Its those people that scare me, terrify me, piss me off, and make me want to go all karate on their faces.
I have had to be the boys biggest advocate and I can truly say today, that I now understand why I am a nurse. If for no other reason it gave me the knowledge, backbone and strength to make sure they had the best and brightest but with minimal invasion of their beings. I am so thankful for all the life experiences that I had before these guys came into my life. They made it possible for me to be comfortable enough in my own skin to challenge their nurses, question their doctors and to say to people...stay away. It had turned into tunnel vision. My only mission was to keep them healthy and home. Joe usually defers to me in these situations. If its medical, what I say goes. But, when the weather started to get nicer he started to question the need for such a strict lock-down. And with that questioning I started to waver in my resolve. I allowed them to be exposed to new people. And sure as shit, they both got sick. With respiratory problems. Bad enough so that I had to talk the urgent care doctor out of admitting Joey for his pneumonia. So, the lock-down is back in place. I don't know how long I will have to keep it in place. But, for now, for my own sake if nothing else, it's there. They may look amazing, but that doesn't change their beginnings. That doesn't change the fact that a common cold for us can lead to breathing tubes and ICUs for my guys. Hence the title of this.....my guys may look like regular babies, but they are not. So, here's my explanation for why people can't hold them and get to know them. And I want to use this as an apology to everyone who wants to snuggle and cuddle and love on them. We want those things for you and for them also, but I just can't do it. Not yet. So, I am sorry. This Mama Bear is putting her foot down. I can't have it. And to be honest I don't know when I will be comfortable with that idea. So, please be patient with us. And don't stop loving and praying for us from afar. <3
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Forgotten Memories
The other day I was talking to my mom on the phone. Our discussion centered around sleep or the lack there of for myself. With the boys being home I have definitely had to adjust to sleeping in spurts...a couple hours here, 30 minutes there. Add in the fact that I am now back at work, on night shift, and well, sleep and I don't really know each other all that well at this moment in my life. My mom's exact comment during this conversation that made me start thinking was "I wonder what you will remember about this year. Will it all just be a blur to you?". I laughed at her, thinking it was very possible that when the boys are 5 or 10 and I look back at the first year of their lives that I just might not remember alot of stuff. To be quite honest most days are just survival mode. Sleep enough to not want to rip peoples' heads off. Sleep enough to not be sick. Sleep enough to be safe taking care of peoples' lives. Survival at it's finest:) Now, of course I would love, LOVE to get more sleep. If I could buy sleep somehow, at this point the cost wouldn't matter. I would soooo buy me some of that. Joe too, can't forget about that poor guy. But, other than that part of all of this. I really wouldn't change much in my life at this very moment. And because of that I am afraid that I am not going to remember alot. And I want to. There are so many wonderful things that happen every day that I want to bottle and remember when I am 80 and sitting in my rocking chair next to Joey and we are re-hashing all the craziness our lives have been full of.
Like what if I forgot how damn cute Meggie Rose is when she wants to say good night to her brothers and they are sleeping? She does this little ritual where she blows them a kiss and then hugs herself (I think its like blowing them a hug if that makes sense). And she never forgets to do it twice.
Or how that girl doesn't even have to glance at the baby and she knows immediately what boy it is. She has been able to do that since they were in the hospital.
Or Miss Grace and all her cuteness as a big-big sister? I walked in the room one day and she was sitting in the middle of two boppies with a bottle in each hand, feeding both boys. "Just like you, Mama" was her reply when I commented on it. Or how they are absolutely obsessed with her. And Joe...those two walk in the house and those boys are breaking their necks to find them, look at them, get their attention and have them talk to them. My theory on this is that Megs and I are home and with them so much that they take us for granted....that's what I tell myself anyways:)
Or Grace's song that she sings them...."If baby boy doesn't give Gracie a smile he doesn't get a hug!". Without fail they smile immediately at her...they are no fools...they want that sissy hug!
And then there's the boys themselves. What if I forget Mr. Vinnie and his laughing spells at 5:30am that are so loud I worry he is going to wake his brother up (it doesn't help that it sends me into a giggling fit with him!). Or Joey's chunky thighs that I could seriously just eat them up. What Joe looks like when I lay him down for tummy time, the boy seriously doesn't get the concept:) He rests on his belly and lifts his legs and arms up in the air, I guess maybe he's working on his core muscles? I don't know but it cracks me up every time! And then there's Vinnie, whose poor head is so big that when he does tummy time he inevitably rolls to the side his head is slightly leaning to because he just can't hold that thing up. Seriously. I have to hold him straight or he immediately rolls onto his back-totally defeats tummy time!:)
What if I forget how incredible it feels to hold two babies in my arms at the same time? Or how powerful I feel as a mommy when we have all survived one more day! Or how overwhelmed with love I become when my whole family is an arm's length away from me?
So, I can't lie and say these last 3 months have been pain-free and completely perfect. But, I do know this. They have been full of love and great memories. And we have made them at home. Together. And that's all I could ever ask for. I just hope and pray that the lack of sleep in my life doesn't wipe my memory of all this. Because, I would do all of this again. In a heartbeat. If it meant this was my life...it wouldn't even be a question.
Like what if I forgot how damn cute Meggie Rose is when she wants to say good night to her brothers and they are sleeping? She does this little ritual where she blows them a kiss and then hugs herself (I think its like blowing them a hug if that makes sense). And she never forgets to do it twice.
Or how that girl doesn't even have to glance at the baby and she knows immediately what boy it is. She has been able to do that since they were in the hospital.
Or Miss Grace and all her cuteness as a big-big sister? I walked in the room one day and she was sitting in the middle of two boppies with a bottle in each hand, feeding both boys. "Just like you, Mama" was her reply when I commented on it. Or how they are absolutely obsessed with her. And Joe...those two walk in the house and those boys are breaking their necks to find them, look at them, get their attention and have them talk to them. My theory on this is that Megs and I are home and with them so much that they take us for granted....that's what I tell myself anyways:)
Or Grace's song that she sings them...."If baby boy doesn't give Gracie a smile he doesn't get a hug!". Without fail they smile immediately at her...they are no fools...they want that sissy hug!
And then there's the boys themselves. What if I forget Mr. Vinnie and his laughing spells at 5:30am that are so loud I worry he is going to wake his brother up (it doesn't help that it sends me into a giggling fit with him!). Or Joey's chunky thighs that I could seriously just eat them up. What Joe looks like when I lay him down for tummy time, the boy seriously doesn't get the concept:) He rests on his belly and lifts his legs and arms up in the air, I guess maybe he's working on his core muscles? I don't know but it cracks me up every time! And then there's Vinnie, whose poor head is so big that when he does tummy time he inevitably rolls to the side his head is slightly leaning to because he just can't hold that thing up. Seriously. I have to hold him straight or he immediately rolls onto his back-totally defeats tummy time!:)
What if I forget how incredible it feels to hold two babies in my arms at the same time? Or how powerful I feel as a mommy when we have all survived one more day! Or how overwhelmed with love I become when my whole family is an arm's length away from me?
So, I can't lie and say these last 3 months have been pain-free and completely perfect. But, I do know this. They have been full of love and great memories. And we have made them at home. Together. And that's all I could ever ask for. I just hope and pray that the lack of sleep in my life doesn't wipe my memory of all this. Because, I would do all of this again. In a heartbeat. If it meant this was my life...it wouldn't even be a question.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
"Tis the Season
2011 Holiday Season is in the books. And, oh boy did we have fun! Joe and I absolutely love Christmas and we have obviously passed on that love to our girls (and hopefully the twins also!). I think that this past season has to be my all-time favorite. For lots of reasons-the obvious being that the boys were home. There were times during our hospitalization that I envisioned bringing decorations down to their room and having to decide how to celebrate with them even though their sisters wouldn't be able to visit them. That was the worst-case scenario part of my brain working. Luckily I never had to put any of those plans into place.
The less obvious reasons are how we spent our time and energy over the last few months. Looking back all I can see and remember are all the great memories we made as a family. And that is why I think this has been the best Christmas I have ever had. Now, granted my kids received enough toys to open up their own store, so I can't say that we completely eliminated the consumerism and materialism that can be brought out this time of year. But, we did so many other awesome things that I really believe counteracted those traits.
We braved the Minnesota winter and made our way to downtown Minneapolis to look at the Macy's holiday display and watch the Holidazzle parade...we even picked a great night, it was balmy 30 degrees! We had our family pictures taken and even were able to take the whole family out to eat. One of our favorite things to do, but takes considerable more planning with you are hauling around two infant car seats. The girls and I baked and baked and baked. We made cookies for our teachers and coaches. For our local fire department and police station. We sent cookies to our neighbors and friends. This was not a Christmas where I could do alot of shopping since getting out of the house is almost a national holiday, but we had so many people we wanted to give to. So, we gave cookies and homemade ornaments and we had so much fun together!
We attended our first St. Jeromes fundraiser at Barnes and Noble. Grace and Megan listened to stories, drank hot chocolate and hung out with their friends. We also had the treat of watching the entire St. Jeromes school put on a beautiful Christmas program. I have to give a big shout out the Mrs. Masson, their music teacher. She did such an incredible job and it really showed in the program. We read so many Christmas books that I lost track for Grace's reading sheet. We watched Christmas movie after Christmas movie. This is one source of great pride for me-the girls are officially hooked on Home Alone I and II and Elf. Probably three of my favorite movies. All time! Now I have an excuse to watch them over and over again....the girls want to!
We lit fires and made s'mores. We played games in front of the fireplace. Side note-both of the girls are very poor losers if you ever happen to play with them:) Another side note-Joe and I are very competitive and have no problem beating the pants off of said children in a fierce game of Candyland:)
We donated food to the food shelf. Baby stuff to a shelter for moms and their young children. We cleaned out our house to make room for all the new stuff the kids received and they picked out toys they would like to give to kids who don't have nearly as much as they do.
I was so proud of us. We made this season about what is most important-family and giving. And because of that I was really sad when it was over. But, I know that next year things will be easier (and more organized-I made a few lists for 2012 already:)) and I am hoping that we continue to make great family memories and traditions for our kids to enjoy. I hope everyone had an equally great season and that 2012 brings everyone happiness, joy and peace.
The less obvious reasons are how we spent our time and energy over the last few months. Looking back all I can see and remember are all the great memories we made as a family. And that is why I think this has been the best Christmas I have ever had. Now, granted my kids received enough toys to open up their own store, so I can't say that we completely eliminated the consumerism and materialism that can be brought out this time of year. But, we did so many other awesome things that I really believe counteracted those traits.
We braved the Minnesota winter and made our way to downtown Minneapolis to look at the Macy's holiday display and watch the Holidazzle parade...we even picked a great night, it was balmy 30 degrees! We had our family pictures taken and even were able to take the whole family out to eat. One of our favorite things to do, but takes considerable more planning with you are hauling around two infant car seats. The girls and I baked and baked and baked. We made cookies for our teachers and coaches. For our local fire department and police station. We sent cookies to our neighbors and friends. This was not a Christmas where I could do alot of shopping since getting out of the house is almost a national holiday, but we had so many people we wanted to give to. So, we gave cookies and homemade ornaments and we had so much fun together!
We attended our first St. Jeromes fundraiser at Barnes and Noble. Grace and Megan listened to stories, drank hot chocolate and hung out with their friends. We also had the treat of watching the entire St. Jeromes school put on a beautiful Christmas program. I have to give a big shout out the Mrs. Masson, their music teacher. She did such an incredible job and it really showed in the program. We read so many Christmas books that I lost track for Grace's reading sheet. We watched Christmas movie after Christmas movie. This is one source of great pride for me-the girls are officially hooked on Home Alone I and II and Elf. Probably three of my favorite movies. All time! Now I have an excuse to watch them over and over again....the girls want to!
We lit fires and made s'mores. We played games in front of the fireplace. Side note-both of the girls are very poor losers if you ever happen to play with them:) Another side note-Joe and I are very competitive and have no problem beating the pants off of said children in a fierce game of Candyland:)
We donated food to the food shelf. Baby stuff to a shelter for moms and their young children. We cleaned out our house to make room for all the new stuff the kids received and they picked out toys they would like to give to kids who don't have nearly as much as they do.
I was so proud of us. We made this season about what is most important-family and giving. And because of that I was really sad when it was over. But, I know that next year things will be easier (and more organized-I made a few lists for 2012 already:)) and I am hoping that we continue to make great family memories and traditions for our kids to enjoy. I hope everyone had an equally great season and that 2012 brings everyone happiness, joy and peace.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The I-94 Corridor
I-94...between St. Paul and Minneapolis. A road that I have traveled-many, many times. But, yesterday we went to the holiday display at Macys and the Holidazzle parade. Which meant that we took that road. It was the first time that I had traveled that way since my boys have been home. And, I can't lie, once that realization kicked in I became slightly teary-eyed. And it took me back. The babes have been home for six weeks, which really isn't that long, but our time at Minneapolis Childrens seems like a lifetime ago. We ended up in Minneapolis because my doctors work out of Abbott, not United. We never would have choose to go to Minneapolis. We are St. Paulites....yes that is a phrase....we had planned on being at United or Regions, but I truly believe that fate brought us over there. And so when we were offered the chance to transfer the babies over to St. Paul Childrens we politely (but fiercely) declined. Minneapolis was our hospital, you don't walk away from the people who have known your babies for their short, event-filled lives unless you have to. We kept them there because we knew that was what was best for them. But, that doesn't mean that I didn't grow to hate that stretch of highway between the two cities. Now, I realize hate is a strong word-I choose it purposefully. Because, I hated driving there and back. I was almost always alone. And always driving away from people I love and wanted to be with. And driving was a necessity but I just wanted to get to my destination. Whether I was driving to the hospital or going home...I just wanted to be there. And since I was almost always alone it left me to be in my own brain. Whew.....scary shit happens in there. And I almost always cried. Maybe just a few tears or a full-blown sob fest. But, I cried. I cried every time I left the parking lot of the hospital. I cried because time slowed down and I could think about what was behind us or I could think about what was in front of us. I cried for my babies, for me, my kids, Joe.......it sucked.
I always hoped that I would have one of those wonderful, soul-cleansing cries-for me they used to always happen in the shower. A boy dumped me....cry it out in the shower and move on. Fail a test.....cry it out and get over it. But, this was so different. There was no moving on or getting over it. I couldn't completely lose my mind. I had to stay pulled together and clear-headed. There were too many things to worry about, monitor, take care of . But, in the car I had nothing else to do. I don't text, I try not to talk on the phone. All I could do is drive and listen to music....and think. It was in those rare moments when my brain went to the place I had mostly forbidden to go. The bad, what-ifs place. The place where I stored all my worries and concerns and over-reactions.
But, I didn't just cry about sad, bad things. I cried many tears of joy down that road. Tears of joy that I was simply able to drive to my babies. Joy that I would be able to touch them, hold them when I got there. Because as bad as it was for us....there were so many facing much worse. Tears of relief when they would hit a milestone or pass a test. There is a song "Good Life" by One Republic, that became my anthem. Were we in a hard situation? Absolutely. But, there was so much good to be recognized. My boys were there, they survived, they were progressing...slowly, but steadily. I was lucky enough to have option of being there every day. I have a husband who supported me in every possible way he was capable of. I have an employer who wants me back, but when I was mentally and emotionally and physically ready to be back, not because a certain amount of time had passed. I had a vehicle to drive there. We had money to park and eat and all the other odd things that come up in that type of situation. We had great childcare and an endless list of people willing to take the girls...just to help. We have a huge network of family and friends who loved and supported us. I mean it literally makes me ache a little bit when I think of all the love that I felt, all the prayers, all the good thoughts that came our way through this. I met alot of people who didn't have half that list. Who didn't drive or have a car. People who didn't have family or friends. Moms who had to go back to work before they were ready. Babies who didn't have any family around them. All I had to do was focus on my little men. That is called being blessed.
I don't think that I will ever be able to drive down 94 and not get emotional. I know that as time passes the emotions will dull. But, they will always be there- as a reminder of the good life I have and just how wonderfully lucky I am to live the life I have.
I always hoped that I would have one of those wonderful, soul-cleansing cries-for me they used to always happen in the shower. A boy dumped me....cry it out in the shower and move on. Fail a test.....cry it out and get over it. But, this was so different. There was no moving on or getting over it. I couldn't completely lose my mind. I had to stay pulled together and clear-headed. There were too many things to worry about, monitor, take care of . But, in the car I had nothing else to do. I don't text, I try not to talk on the phone. All I could do is drive and listen to music....and think. It was in those rare moments when my brain went to the place I had mostly forbidden to go. The bad, what-ifs place. The place where I stored all my worries and concerns and over-reactions.
But, I didn't just cry about sad, bad things. I cried many tears of joy down that road. Tears of joy that I was simply able to drive to my babies. Joy that I would be able to touch them, hold them when I got there. Because as bad as it was for us....there were so many facing much worse. Tears of relief when they would hit a milestone or pass a test. There is a song "Good Life" by One Republic, that became my anthem. Were we in a hard situation? Absolutely. But, there was so much good to be recognized. My boys were there, they survived, they were progressing...slowly, but steadily. I was lucky enough to have option of being there every day. I have a husband who supported me in every possible way he was capable of. I have an employer who wants me back, but when I was mentally and emotionally and physically ready to be back, not because a certain amount of time had passed. I had a vehicle to drive there. We had money to park and eat and all the other odd things that come up in that type of situation. We had great childcare and an endless list of people willing to take the girls...just to help. We have a huge network of family and friends who loved and supported us. I mean it literally makes me ache a little bit when I think of all the love that I felt, all the prayers, all the good thoughts that came our way through this. I met alot of people who didn't have half that list. Who didn't drive or have a car. People who didn't have family or friends. Moms who had to go back to work before they were ready. Babies who didn't have any family around them. All I had to do was focus on my little men. That is called being blessed.
I don't think that I will ever be able to drive down 94 and not get emotional. I know that as time passes the emotions will dull. But, they will always be there- as a reminder of the good life I have and just how wonderfully lucky I am to live the life I have.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Despicable Me
Yet another reference to kiddo TV. But, it is how I how felt over these last few months. Now that my boys are home I don't have any time to do anything except be a mommy to all 4 of my wonderful, beautiful, yet energy-draining children:) But, that wasn't always the truth. When the boys were in the hospital I had a lot of time to just sit. Sit and watch babies sleep and grow. Sitting wasn't good for me. I needed to be busy. Because when I was sitting I was thinking, thinking about this whole situation. Thinking about the bad, the good, the crazy and the wonderful. Trust me when I say that this situation has not be only bad or horrible or sad. We were very lucky, very blessed. And it makes me feel horrible to even have emotions other than happiness when I would see parents and kids going through so much worse every day I was at Childrens.
But, in the dark, hidden places in my brain and heart I feel guilt. I feel responsible. I feel horrible. I take my job as a mommy very seriously. Some of you may know that Joe and I have had to use fertility help to have each and every child we have been blessed with. So, they were all conscious decisions. And from the moment we decided to be pregnant I was in mommy mode. And the first all-important job of a mommy (in my mind anyways) is to provide my babies with a great nine months of being in my belly. And I failed my precious boys in the very first job as a mommy to them. There I said it. I failed as their mommy. And because of my failure they had to endure so, so, so much. And there was nothing I could do. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't help them. And they had to go through it so they could survive and get a chance at life. Because I couldn't bake my bundles of joy long enough they had to go through intubation, IV insertions, lab sticks, tubes down their noses, down their mouths. They had to be handled by hundreds of random strangers. They went to bed in a strange place without their family by their side. So, my thoughts went like this..."If only I had kept them in me longer they wouldn't have to go through NG tubes. If only they wouldn't have to have random strangers calm them down. If only they could be sleeping at home."
The fact is that I couldn't have stayed pregnant any longer. Not if I wanted to be here right now, able-bodied and somewhat healthy. Because the truth is I was closer to death then I care to admit. I was closer to doing permanent damage to my body that could have been life-altering. I get that, I get it more and more as time elapses. To give my babies their mommy I had to give up my control over life-mine and theirs. I know this, but I don't like it. And my brain understands that I shouldn't have guilt, that I did everything I possibly could to keep them healthy for as long as I could. My heart, well she's a different story. I don't think that there is anything, ever that will make it change how she feels. As time passes and the boys, God-willing, continue to grow and prosper, the guilt will get less, won't be so prevalent. But, it will always be there. And it will sneak up on me at random moments. Like today when my lil men had to have two nurses come out the the house and give them the first of five shots to prevent RSV this winter. Something we have to do, something that I would never even consider not doing, but something that is only being done because they were born so damn early. And there is that guilt again.
But, in the dark, hidden places in my brain and heart I feel guilt. I feel responsible. I feel horrible. I take my job as a mommy very seriously. Some of you may know that Joe and I have had to use fertility help to have each and every child we have been blessed with. So, they were all conscious decisions. And from the moment we decided to be pregnant I was in mommy mode. And the first all-important job of a mommy (in my mind anyways) is to provide my babies with a great nine months of being in my belly. And I failed my precious boys in the very first job as a mommy to them. There I said it. I failed as their mommy. And because of my failure they had to endure so, so, so much. And there was nothing I could do. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't help them. And they had to go through it so they could survive and get a chance at life. Because I couldn't bake my bundles of joy long enough they had to go through intubation, IV insertions, lab sticks, tubes down their noses, down their mouths. They had to be handled by hundreds of random strangers. They went to bed in a strange place without their family by their side. So, my thoughts went like this..."If only I had kept them in me longer they wouldn't have to go through NG tubes. If only they wouldn't have to have random strangers calm them down. If only they could be sleeping at home."
The fact is that I couldn't have stayed pregnant any longer. Not if I wanted to be here right now, able-bodied and somewhat healthy. Because the truth is I was closer to death then I care to admit. I was closer to doing permanent damage to my body that could have been life-altering. I get that, I get it more and more as time elapses. To give my babies their mommy I had to give up my control over life-mine and theirs. I know this, but I don't like it. And my brain understands that I shouldn't have guilt, that I did everything I possibly could to keep them healthy for as long as I could. My heart, well she's a different story. I don't think that there is anything, ever that will make it change how she feels. As time passes and the boys, God-willing, continue to grow and prosper, the guilt will get less, won't be so prevalent. But, it will always be there. And it will sneak up on me at random moments. Like today when my lil men had to have two nurses come out the the house and give them the first of five shots to prevent RSV this winter. Something we have to do, something that I would never even consider not doing, but something that is only being done because they were born so damn early. And there is that guilt again.
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